Hazey Dayz

Medicated bliss

2009-03-31T16:45:00.000-07:00

I have been down lately, not as down as many times before, but still down. Breaking up is so hard emotionally. Soemtimes i feel strong and determined to move on and then other times i seem to be a mess, wondering how i am ever going to get this guy out of my head and heart.

He has still been contacting me and that makes things hard and yet I can't quite manage to stop answering his calls. He just makes small talk, but manages to throw in the "I was so in love with you", notice the past tense.

He is having a ball, socializing each weekend with his friends (male and female), he has met a few new girls which he has told me as "sooooo nice". I am sure he does this to just hurt me...he then goes on to say "there is nothing going on, i am not interested in them, I am hurt and I still love you"...blah blah blah.

How do i move on when he is stabbing me in the heart ever few days and I am stupid enough to let him do this to me. I need to toughen the fuck up and stop all contact.

I actually just sent email to him saying that it is best that we dont contact each other, hurts too much. so hopefully that is that.

Hopefully

He did it again

2009-03-25T21:44:00.000-07:00

My last post mentioned how MD hadn't come around and that i was moving on blah blah blah......low and behold. on the Saturday, MD's daughter was getting married and I was good...I hadn't rang him and I was feeling okay about everything.

The weekend came and went, no contact until Tuesday night when MD turned up at my place with a ring for my birthday (which happened to be in February), i just said I didnt' want it, but he insisted.

He made a coffee and was sitting talking about the wedding (whichi wasn't invited too) and I asked him if he had taken a guest and he looked at me shocked and said "of course not".....well then later i asked if he had many people stay at his house for the weekend of the wedding and whallllllaaaaaaa.

Wendy fucking stayed at his house for the weekend and she also went to the wedding as his guest....this is a girl that he has managed to see on and off for the past couple of years and he insists that he is just friend with her...but I have never met her....so there is something going on.

WTF does he think i am stupid.

Anyway he can do whatever he likes, i am medicated and feel good.

It is DONE

2009-03-11T20:10:00.000-07:00

Okay after dwelling on everything yesterday afternoon and feeling sick in the process, i decided that I need to do something to end this relationship, or at least find out exactly what MD wants to do.

I had put somethings of his in a bag and decided after work to leave them at his front door..just t-shirts that i had worn home in the last few weeks and a couple of towels, nothing much.

So I left them at his door and then rang him to tell him i had done that....he was like "thanks gorgeous, I will see you tonight", i responded with "really, are you sure you want to come around?" he replies "yeah I'll see you later why?", then I said it "I dont want you coming around if you are going to split up from me. I dont need to hear it and you dont need to say it to my face okay"....he just chuckled and reply "okay gorgeous, ill cya later"...i just said "okay cya".

Well he didn't come around, so i guess he has decided that I am just not worth the hassle, our love is not strong enough to get through his parents and his daughters hatred..or more to the point he couldn't be bothered fixing his fuck ups when he downed me to his family etc.

So that was that, until about 10pm when i started to feel sad, not crying sad, just sad that it was done. No msg's no phone calls nothing from him. So what did dickhead me do...i msg'd him. Nothing bad, nothing nasty - nothing even remotely psycho, but a msg never the less...it went

"you will always be in my heart i was wishing you would come tonight but i understand and hope that one day we can be friends"

is that psycho? probably is actually, as when i think about it..I shouldn't have msg'd him at all. Well there was no reply to that. By this morning I was done. I had laid awake in bed last night thinking about everything and how i seem to sugarcoat everything he has done and decided that enough is enough. He does not deserve me if he can not declare his love for me to his family and defend me against them (they have horns i tell ya) when they are in "destroy Dreamy mode".

So i turn up to work and whalaa a email from him..

Good morning, hope you slept good, sorry didnt hear your message last night, i fell asleep on the couch before the program gangs of oz, woke at 12:30 and went to bed, i picked up a phone from my dad (note: his phone is broken) but havent had time to sit down and work it out thats why i am responding this way. Then as normal slept in this morning, i didnt think you wanted me to come around, i must have misunderstood that, and whats this part ONE DAY YOU HOPE WE CAN BE friends?, you are always in my thoughts and i want to be friends

I just replied with "ok no problem"

That is that, friends. haha if only he new how hot i looked today.

Anyway i feel good, I feel relieved and I am having Kat around for dinner tonight so that will be nice. I am moving on....on and upwards i say

Not quite over - yet !!!

2009-03-10T20:12:00.000-07:00

I got scared yesterday afternoon, so i sent MD a msg telling him that i respect any decision that he has made, that he has a lot on his plate and I didn't think there was any reason for him to come around as I didn't want to hear his rejection. I said that if you wanted to call me he could but if he didn't I would be okay and I would totally understand and that there were no need for more words.

Well i didnt' hear a response back from him and I assumed that was that.....i cried a few little tears and was actually coming to terms with it and feeling okay around 10pm when he pulled up....wtf

I opened the door and said "i wasn't expecting you" and he replied "why? I always call around after poker", so I said "didn't you get my msg" and he just said "yes i did". I was dumb struck.

He then asked if i wanted a cuppa and he sat and made happy small talk with me, then he said he had to go...btw he kept calling my gorgeous......then bent down and gave me a kiss and said goodbye.

So today I have no idea what the hell is going on. I really dont want him to come around and tell me it is over, i would prefer if he just didn't come around...i would get the message.

In hindsight I think that I took some of the control off him by sending him that msg. He was going to come around last night and dump me, but when I took that power off him, he changed his plans. It would not surprise me if he turned up tonight to do it - that would give him his control on the situation back again.

How do I stop this...i really dont want to hear it....I know he needs to dump me before Saturday (his daughters wedding day) so he can go out and do whatever with whomever...and not feel guilty about it. So it is coming........

I just dont want to hear it, I dont want to look like the devastated women anymore, I want him to walk away and leave me with some dignity. Thinking of sending him msg saying that I will not be home tonight or something like that...but he knows the kids are in bed for school and so he knows I will be home late...He will show up a little later.

God how do i stop him feeling powerful by dumping me. I want him to feel out of control of the situation. I know he is not coming around to declare his love and undying committment to me so why bother coming around at all.

It is another way of him hurting me - mentally tormenting me.

I think this time it is over

2009-03-09T21:39:00.000-07:00

MD is acting weird and has been all week, so i asked him about it yesterday during lunch and he basically said that as his parents and one of his daughters hate me that he is torn and has to decide what to do.

I then spent the afternoon with him and I was mucking around telling him that it would work out when they get used to me and he was just grunting and stuff. he then told me he wanted to be alone so he could think about things. I lost it...control...i became the stupid crying "dont split up with me" stupid fucked up person that i am.

I actually agree with him deep down...but i can't handle rejection. He is coming around tonight and i guess that it is over. I will let him tell me and I will be okay about it and then that is that.

So i feel sick today. I know that it is for the best and he is right in choosing his family over me. It is uncomfortable and he doesn't need that and more importantly neither do I. So we have reached the end of the MD cycle...no more going back and foreth...using his family is probably a good move as it takes the blame off either one of us...so neither of us can apologise later and try and work things out....because it is not because of ONE of us...it is his family.

So now i am back to fearing being alone again. The fear takes my breath away. I am petrified. I dont mean the sex company either. I mean the ....no one to share my everyday things with. I have friends that i can ring but not every day..they have lives which they dont need some "needy" friend interrupting.

It is the company that i will miss. the time we spent together. The plans for future stuff (which basically we had never discussed), but in my fucked up mind i often dreamed about the day that we would live together, waking up on weekends, spending time in the garden, walking the dog, friends over for bbq's blah blah blah...GONE whoosh like that.

Okay time to pull myself together and realise that life does go on..whether i am alone or have company...i need to pull myself together and get over this...the future was never going to happen

Oh the pain of lost dreams, hopes, my future life with the man that i love...fuck maybe i should write a M & B novel, but with a much nicer ending.

I am off to doctors to get some happy pills, couple of weeks i should be feeling much better...maybe i should start smoking dope ..mmmmmm i guess my options are open from this stage on...the world is my oyster

Things could be worse - right???

2009-03-01T18:37:00.001-08:00

I had reasonable weekend, nothing to big nothing small...just the usual. Kids and friends sleeping over.

Hippygal rang me Saturday afternoon, which i was shocked about. I was in supermarket and she just chatted to me, asking me what i had been doing blah blah. I was glad to hear from her. I had really given up hearing from her again.

So i pottered around my place Saturday afternoon, doing not much, picked up Shan a friend for a sleep over and then MD turned up, which was another shock, he stayed and watched a movie with me and then left about 11 oclock. I was pissed that he would prefer to go home alone and sleep ALONE then spend the night with a hot chick - yes i am referring to me. lol.

I received a msg from Hippygal saturday night, saying "was comign around to spend the evening with you but notice that you have a visitor"...that was it....i felt terrible...she hates MD and wouldn't even come into the house with him here.

So after thinking about it on Sunday i replied "sorry about that, maybe we could catch up during week if you still want to"....haven't heard anything back yet.

She will be pissed and I dont blame her, MD has done and said things to hurt her too and she just doesn't love him like me and so she can easily hate him...i can not for some stupid "mentally abused" women thing.

So I am trying not to think about things and just concentrate on my exam this Thursday...omg i am worried about that. Cramming for next three days will not be fun but it will take my mind off other stupid stuff in my life.

Kids are born to kill us mentally

2009-02-26T15:38:00.000-08:00

OMG if i had of known how hard parenting would be - i dont think i would have done it. My son KC is adorable and i absolutely love the ground he walks on. I also hate to admit that I am the typical mother who doesn't see the bad im my children. Well i see it but i can also make excuses for that behaviour. I know they are great kids and I know that they have hearts of gold and they wouldn't intentionally hurt anyone or anything.

Except last night i lost it with KC, he came home late and then demanded that i should buy him something. wtf. like he deserves it !!!!!! He had the worst attitude and I had just finished cooking dinner and he was so rude to me that i opened up the front door and toldhim to fuck off. To get out of the house. He left and i closed the front door. then i felt terrible, what kind of mother am I, I shouldn't have done that.

I rang him about 10 minutes later and he was just down the corner and he said he was on his way home, so he came back and then we talked, he apologised and I did too. He said that he did have an attitude and he was tired after school and blah blah blah, I spoke to him again this morning and told him that there is no excuse for speaking to me that way and i dont want to hear that attitude again. He said ok.

I then took Shan for a walk down river, it was a good walk, fresh air and walking in the bush. I should do it more often.

I have also come to the conclusion that i have alienated my friends, i guess i will be a loner for awhile until I find some different people. I dont blame my friends, i should never had spoken to MD ever again and yes he is a pig that has treated me like shit and will do it again, but it is an addiction for me.

Since me and MD split in NOvember I have spent so many nights and weekends alone, no phone calls, no one visiting me, he is the only one that does that. I guess after a few weeks of not hearing from people i start to crave attention and when he rings I cant help but feel happy.

So i like him ringing me, i like that attention that he gives me.

If i gave that up I would be totally alone, totally. Is that better then being in a mentally abusive relationship? I am so fucked up.

I spoke to a friend the other night who is a real loner, she enjoys being alone and doesn't have a problem with that. I need to learn who I am ALONE.

The sad thing is that even if i stop communicating with MD, my friends will not come back, i have hurt them by talking to him and they dont trust me, nor do they give a fuck about me anymore. I have drained them.

It is my own fault and I knew that i would eventually push them away, i tend to do that to people...why am i so fucking stupid

Crazy feelings

2009-02-25T18:41:00.000-08:00

I went shopping after work yesterday and now i feel fucking terrible...everything looked shit on me and my Shan was telling me that everything looked "nice"...do you get that... when something looks "nice" it is only just ok, the comment that i was looking for was "great", that looks great...now that is a compliment.

"Nice" is just a pussy's way of saying "i dont want you to feel bad so i will just say nice".

I bumped into Hippygal yesterday at shop and she was nice to me, i think she is feeling guilty about not catching up to me for my birthday etc. I was nice back and I wouldn't hold a grudge against Hippygal as she is just lovely and I do respect her heaps. She mentioned i should call around on weekend so maybe i will.

I didn't got to gym yesterday or even go for a walk, like i wanted to..instead i called around to friends and drank two cans of Johnnie incognito sugar.

Am i the only one in this world suffering from the "weight depression", omg if it isn't MD pissing me off it is my weight, will i ever feel happy????

Maybe i am just a difficult person and hard to please....well what if i am...i like me and I will cry if i want to....its my party !!!

Besides all of the above i am okay today..harharhar

This has to stop

2009-02-24T18:45:00.000-08:00

I am over it absolutely over it, i need to lose this weight. I am tired and my clothes dont fit anymore and generally i am pissed off with the way i look.

I have recently had my birthday and omg i am getting old, before i know it i will have a purple rinse and wearing comfortable shoes..wtf... i read somewhere that is a sign of old age when you ditch your heels for comfy flats...i promised myself i would never do that. But that being said, an old lady wearing heels often reminds me of an overdone prostitute??? so not sure about that.

I dont eat heaps but i manage to slip in the alcohol and this is my downfall...i had two cans last night, full of sugar. I switched to scotch and dry a couple of weeks ago because it is fewer calories then the coke, but it is still bullshit and realistically it is still full of sugar.

So tonight i might..............mmmmm...ummm...do something.

The day after the weekend

2009-02-22T19:16:00.000-08:00

I had an okay weekend, finally met both studbud's and it was nice, well it was as nice as it could have been.

It is strange meeting someone for the first time when you feel like you already know them, the weirdest thing is actually seeing their face, their features. Even though they were both very very nice girls I do get the feeling that I will remain only "online" friends with them. I might travel over one day to visit, but I didn't feel that "buddy" feeling I was hoping that i would feel.

I honestly thought that when we met face to face we would feel comfortable and just gel...unfortunately it wasn't quite like that...it was a little uncomfortable at times. With that in mind though, i did enjoy their company and I did have a good weekend.

I drove home yesterday and MD came around and we took his dogs for a walk down the bush, it was nice, it was comfortable, why does it feel like that???

I am so fucked up at the moment, i dont know what to do anymore. I dont want to be hurt again which i think he will do...but I also can't imagine not hanging out with him...we click, we both feel it, we both know that it is comfortable, more comfortable then i have ever felt with anyone else.

Anyway today is a slow day for me, i am tired after the weekend and tonight i am planning on going for another walk, so want to drop about 10kg.

Miss Nothing Happening

2009-02-19T20:13:00.000-08:00

I was feeling strong last night and was going to speak to MD about us and how we can't keep seeing each other. We are sneaking around and seeing each other without our friends knowing and it has to stop. it is not going to work out. Well he turns up with his dogs and I can't talk to him as my kids were there.

So i am back to trying to find the right time at the same time that i have the courage.

I am off to the city tonight to meet up with Studbud and spend the night down there and go out. I am really looking forward to it...it will be so much fun.

I just read back through my entries and realised that I haven't mentioned the most important thing that has happened to me in the past four months...i rekindled my friendship with an old school buddy. I found him on Myspace and sent him a message. We were great friends at school, never boyfriend/girlfriend but great mates.

AFter our little emails to each other we found out that we still only live about 20 minutes from each other, so he called into my work in December to see me, we figured it has been about 15 years. This guy always had a crush on me at school but we ended up just friends as i didn't want to go there.

Anyway the attraction between us when he turned up at work was "unreal", he is so nice and omg it was great seeing him again.

We msg each other most days now and talk on phone every couple of days. He is fully aware of MD and what is going on. The thing between us is nothing as he is married, has a beautiful daughter (13).

He is not happy in his marriage and tells me that it will eventually end in divorce, but i am not getting involved in that...it is just nice having someone to talk to.

I hope deep down he can work things out with his wife, and he does too.

He hasn't told his wife we talk as she would hate it, so that makes me uncomfortable and I know that i am doing exactly what MD has done to me in the past with his female friends, but I dont want to lose CJ again....we have this great communication thing.

So that is that...

So tomorrow i travel to Melb to meet Studbud and spend a fun filled girls weekend in city, eating, shopping, drinking, eating, shopping, dancing oh did I mention shopping...anyway it will be a nice break away from life here.

Just another day

2009-02-18T16:19:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking and I think I have stuffed up in my life.

MD came around last night just for a visit, stayed for a cuppa and then had things he needed to do at home, vacuum, dishes, washing blah blah blah...anyway i was kinda relieved that he left, as a night at home alone was just what i needed.

I heard from Hippygirl today and this has me worried. It was my birthday the other day and she organised a dinner for me and my friends, as I mentioned previously I didn't invite MD, as i know that Hippygal hates him with a passion.

The reason she hates him and quite clear - she hates the way that he treats me and his arrogant manner and he has also done a few things in her past (she has known him longer then me)that have hurt her....so even though over the past 9 years she has been our friend, not any more...she is over it and really doesn't want anything to do with him. She is the main reason that i didn't invite him as she is very important to me and I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable or upset.

I think she knows that we are talking, but she doesnt' know that we are sleeping together. She told me when we were split up that if I ever went back to him that she would never talk to me again....well this is where i have fucked up i think.

She didn't turn up to dinner that night, she didn't even message me to tell me that she wasn't coming, she spoke to someone else about it and they told me that her b/fs mum was sick and she couldnt come.

I have sent a few msg's to her since then asking how things are going and all i am getting is short answers, so i have this feeling that she knows that me and MD are getting together and she has decided to wipe me. This kills me as I really really dont want to lose her.

My other friend Kat also didn't show and I am assuming for the same reason - she thought that MD was going so she stayed away...said she didn't get the msg's to come...wtf of course she did.

So now i am pissed and thinking well I may as well keep seeing him, they have fucked me off anyway, I am completely alone without him.

So this is how I am feeling right at this moment. Things could change in next few hours but I am in such a fucked up place atm.

One month later

2009-02-17T16:33:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it has been one month since my last post...i must really get back into this blogging stuff as it does make me feel alive.

Things in the last month have been depressing, MD and I stopped talking completely and he threatened me with horrible things and blah blah blah, you have all heard this before.

Then about two-three weeks ago he emailed me and then txt'd me and before you know it we were back in bed together.

He really wants to work things out but my heart is just not in it anymore. I do love him but he has admitted that his daughter hates me and so does his parents, that is upsetting for me but worse then that is the fact that my parents and friends dont like him.

It was my birthday yesterday and I had dinner with a group of friends and my parents, well i didn't invite him as it would have been uncomfortable. My friends do not know that i am seeing him, well i think they do, but i haven't spoken to any of them.

That is killing me, that it is now just US, we have no one who will accept our relationship even if we did decide to give it another go.

It is over.

He is coming around a lot and being very very nice and I haven't had the guts to tell him that it is not going to work, i just can't do it.....how do i say to him that because of our family and friends it is not going to work not to mention our terrible history.

I guess i just say it like that!

Okay i must toughen up and end this nightmare.

I am scared of being alone but i guess i am making myself more alone by staying with him as eventually my friends will back right off and I will be left with no one.

I must end this relationship.

Survival Mode

2009-01-19T16:00:00.000-08:00

Okay things haven't changed much...still not with MD. Things got a little messy during the xmas break and we even slept together a few times. We talked about what we could possibly do to work things out between us as we feel that there is a deep deep connection between us.

WE both have jealousy and trust issues and MD suggested that maybe we should get some counselling. I agreed and then started having second thoughts. How can a counsellor help us? What could they possibly say to erase the memories of him cheating on me? him treating me badly in front of people? erase the thoughts of him and his female friends together?

MD rang early January to tell me he was flying overseas for a week holiday...i was pissed off. He always crys about being poor, even to the extent that he told me just before xmas that we couldnt live together because he couldnt afford it...wtf...i support myself.

Anyway to cut a long story short...i told him last week to never contact me. He went ballistic and called me every name number the sun, demanded everything he had ever given to be given back to him blah blah blah

So we haven't been in contact..... I went to a counsellor last week and had a good cry - my problem being that i still fucking love him...what the fuck is that about. What else does he have to possible do to me (beside killing me) before i fall OUT of love with him.....why am i so not in control of this situation.

HOw do you survive heartbreak? I am trying to do things to keep busy but my thoughts are on him 24/7. What do I do and where do i go next?

I live in a very small city and he is very very very well known. He is very very social and has a very large network of associates and friends....I feel like i need to stay home as I dont want to bump into anyone as I am sure they will ask me or speak to me about him - worse still would be for them to tell me about his new "very nice" girlfriend.

So not only do i feel heartbroken and upset but i feel alone. My girlfriends are trying to be nice to me and stuff, but they all have their lives (with their partners) so i guess there isn't much they can do. They can't babysit me every night.

This feeling sucks BIG TIME

IM OK

2008-11-25T19:34:00.000-08:00

I am still feeling angry today, fucking angry, but also feeling sad.
I feel stupid letting myself love someone so deeply that i was too blind to see that he didn't love me back.

I think he thinks he loved me, but he didn't. He never did.

OMG i hope i survive this - the feeling of stupidity, also along with the feeling of deep deep sadness.

I loved him

We will never ever be.

I know I deserve to have someone love me back, but can't help questioning why he couldn't love me.

How could i have done that to myself.

Its Over

2008-11-24T19:23:00.001-08:00

Well my so called relationship with MD is over. He called things off AGAIN. I am so fucking angry with him, i could spit on him.

After everything he has done to me over the years, the disrespect he showed me, the cheating, the no committment stuff, he decides that my history isn't too good and so he doesn't want to agonize over me when i go out drinking.

WTF is that about, i very very rarely go out and yet he is out every friday and saturday night....he is the one with the bad history. So i am angry yes fucking angry, I should never have forgiven him all those times that he fucked up. I should have pissed him off years ago.

I have blocked his email address so that he can't email me and I would be happy to never see him again. I dont want anything to do with him...he hurt me big time and I will never never never forgive him for that.

He did not deserve my love and I am happy to now call that time in my life as OVER.

I am okay, I have had a few tears and then i have basically slapped myself and thought,,, he doesn't even deserve me to cry for him. He was never going to committ to me and we were never in a REAL relationship.

So i am keeping busy now, back into my study and spending time with friends and my kids. I have a girls lunch on Friday and I have even taken the afternoon off so i can really veg out with a few of them that dont work on Friday arvo...so i am really looking forward to that.

My son KC thinks that Md is an arsehole and yes i did agree with him....KC has been so good to me over the last few days...saying sweet things to me and basically being my rock....i owe him big time and if a girl ever treats him the way MD treated me, watch out i will rip her throat out.

So it is a new beginning for me...a new life.....me and my kids.....and this time I am really looking forward to it....yay for us.

Happiness, no more tears.

So whats New !!!!

2008-10-21T20:29:00.000-07:00

Things haven't changed much for me in the last few weeks.
I have decided to join a new gym and I start on Friday, so im a little concerned that i wont be fit enough, it may actually kill me. lol.

I have fallen behind in my study and I am going to try and get on tonight and catch up. I really need to do this, i have worked too hard to just fail this semester.

Money wise i am broke, really broke. I have decided to never ever go to poker machines again, i keep going each week in the hope that i will have a win, but looking back i have put way too much money into them and I really haven't had that many wins. So i am now a reformed gambler.

Other then the above things are the same. I got drunk on Friday night and in my drunken stupor i started whinging about the "relationship" ( i use that term loosely), that me and MD have and I wish i hadn't done that. A couple of friends were with us and they new exactly what i meant and they understood how i felt, but there was nothing they could say. MD is always going to be a single guy.

He is planning a trip over to USA next year with his mates, that has pissed me right off as it was only like three months ago we were discussing how we are going to take kids up to queensland for a holiday (we have never taken them anywhere together). Now it looks like i will be taking them ALONE again - as usual.

He is a single guy and basically i am a single parent, just sleeping with him. When am i going to wake the fuck up and piss this guy off for good.

MMM not too bad today

2008-10-08T19:48:00.000-07:00

The happy pills must be starting to kick in, as i feel okay. Not as down and analytical as the past week or so. I still can't quite get the feeling that things are not right between me and MD.

I try so hard to forget all the terrible things that have happened between us and all the time i have been shattered and hurt by him, but i can't. I told him this last night and he begged me to please forget about things and not bring them up as it is hurting us both and we are getting along so good and things have been so great lately that bringing up the past will just ruin what we have.

He is right !! (first time ever lol) and i really need to move on. I dont want to go down the same track that we have been on in the past and if i keep thinking about those things they might just happen.

I am desperately trying to lose weight at the moment, and this is another reason i think i am feeling down. I just feel so fat and uncomfortable. I would love to lose 10kg, I am sure this would make me feel better.

Must keep telling myself....I AM NOT HUNGRY, I AM NOT HUNGRY....maybe this will work.

Im down

2008-10-02T21:23:00.000-07:00

BE WARNED: It must be the weather or something as I am feeling really really down. I seem to go through this faze each year around this time. It shits me.
I start analysing everything in my life and weighing up the good and the bad and the fucking ugly.

MD has been away all week working and i guess that has given me time to think about our relationship and I am back in the "i dont give a fuck" mood about it. Realistically, we are never going to live together, i can't even imagine a future together , so why the fuck are we together.

But then i weigh up the other half and think, what exactly is a relationship? If i meet someone else what difference would there be between that relationship and the one i am in with MD? would there be a difference? Should i just organise my life as if i am single, plan for myself, look at one bedroom units for the future?????, i would love to travel one day, do i imagine doing this on my own????

Are men out there to be inrelationships for future benefits, or is a relationship based on the here and now? What the fuck and where the fuck do relationship lead?

I warned you that i was in "one of those" moods today !!!!!!!

WOW it has been so long

2008-09-03T19:58:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that it has been so long since i blogged. I have been so busy and I feel like i have been neglecting this blog. Well not only this blog but neglecting myself, as this is where i let everything out..my release on life.

Things have been okay. Me and MD are still seeing each other and I even managed to go out for lunch to day with his parents, MD and myself. The parents were nice to me, which is such a nice change, they have bearly spoken to me in about 12 months, even to the stage that his mother would just turn her back on me when i walked into the room. biatch!!!!

I am still taking my happy pills as i think these keep me sane. I know another reason i feel okay is that i keep busy...so to anyone out there that is feeling down or even have one of "those" days, staying busy seems to take my mind off things.

I spoke to my LH today and she is down- really down and that upsets me. She is so far away and I would love to go and grab her and go for a coffee. I don't think i am really that good at helping people through problems as i have so many problems of my own (that i can't even work out), but i am good at just being there, just to listen and even change the subject sometimes to let the person know that dwelling on things sometimes isn't for the best.

I hope that she can walk her way through her problems, as sometimes that is all we can do. No drastic changes, just grin and bear it. Life goes on and people need to remember that when they are down and feeling like no one understands, we do.

We may not understand exactly what you are going through, but we understand that feeling of desperation, dispare and sadness. I will call her again later and see how she is going. Personal message to LH: love you and will always be here, chin up as things can only get better - trust me.

Wow

2008-07-23T19:45:00.000-07:00

I didn't realise i had been so neglectful of this blog. It feels like only yesterday i was sitting here posting, but o well at least i am back today.

Things are relatively the same. I have been spending lots of time studying, doing the mother thing and working. My neice CL came over for a few weeks and it was really great to see her again.

MD is being extra nice yet i have doubts that it will last. He wants me and the kids to move into his house and yet he acts like a single guy so i am not sure what he means by move in with him. He is spending his money like nothing and yet continually moans to me about how poor he is...He thinks that i am stupid and dont see the "new dryer", new computer desk, the $800 spa unit, the $2500 camera that he has purchased in the last 3 weeks, he pretends that his business pays fr most of it so it isn't his money...wtf...he runs his own business...solely...so it is his money. I am struggling as usual with my money. it is hard trying to pay so much out and only receiving so much in...i dont have surplus "business money" that i can jump in to.

Anyway, I have my friends wedding in a few weeks and i can't wait to go to that and see all my other friends...it will be just like old times. My only fear is that MD is going to throw one of his little hissy fits, which are not that LITTLE usually.

So time will tell how much i enjoy the wedding. I must admit even when MD is being nice to me and doing all the right things (except spending money on ME). I still dont feel comfortable with him anymore. I think i am over it. I constantly spend my time doubting how long these good times will last. I doubt our relationship lasting past xmas.

If it doesn't then im okay. I actually would rather be single and struggling with money then with someone who is flashing theres around in front of me and yet too fucking stingy to buy me a drink...what is with this guy.

Or worse, what the fuck is wrong with me...i shouldnt put up with this crap.

Adios MD - all in due time

Silly Post

2008-06-12T16:52:00.000-07:00

I am feeling quite good today....not extrodinarily good....just good.

I am at peace, which i think may have something to do with the happy pills i have been taking, but what the fuck at least i feel something besides hopelessness.

I took my kids to the local pound last night and guess who is now the owner of a new little kitten...yep...you guesses right...mummy was sucked right in by those big soft eyes. Shan has decided to call it Lolita (lolly girl for short).

I also have my favourite niece in the whole world coming over to visit me - i can't wait, and the kids are so excited. CL has grown up so quickly, it will be nice to spend some time just chilling and bonding a little. We all think she is cool.

So besides spending time cuddling Lolly girl over the weekend, cleaning, studying and oh did i mention cuddling lollygirl...i haven't got much planned.

Not Much is happening

2008-06-11T22:27:00.000-07:00

My exam is done!!! I sat it last Thursday and I feel okay about it..not sure if i passed or failed but don't really give a flying f'k really....it is DONE.

I have spent so much time studying lately that i pretty much have no social life. I don't mind, i actually prefer being alone so it doesn't really matter. I lie a little when i say no social life, i have still had my weekly lunches with hippygirl, mj and lb. Today I even met hippygirl and gd for lunch, which was a laugh. We might all get together on weekend (if we can time it right) and go see Sex and the City at the cinema. I would really love to go see it and even though MD has offered to take me, i would much prefer to go with a group of gals, then head off to the nearest pub for a cosmopolitan of course. Ching Ching.

So i will just see where the weekend takes me, hopefully floating off to some mysterious fun filled adventure....lol...as if!!! will just be the same ol' weekend.

It could be worse...i suppose...me and MD have been getting along fantastic, he has been away working in the city and so i only see him on weekends, I think that is great, we dont argue when he is home and I think we both get our space. He asked me again last night when i was moving in with him....wow have we got alot to talk about.

I dont feel secure enough yet to move in with him, i would lose my independance and my security...although i dont really have any permanant security where i am, at least what i have is MINE.

So i want to just wait for at least 6 months and see how he is...if he doesn't fuck up then maybe i will think about it....if he does fuck up...then i am gone FOR GOOD......no more second chances.

So I guess i better prepare myself for a deep and meaningful discussion with him this weekend about how i feel.

OH i can feel a migrane coming on.

Still Happy

2008-05-22T21:45:00.000-07:00

I dont know what is happening, I have been happy for four days now....it is a miracle i tell ya a miracle !!!!!

Just been doing the normal family and work stuff all week and I dont even have plans for the weekend, but i feel happy. Best i go off and buy a Lotto ticket after work, maybe this is MY week.

Maybe something fantastic is going to happen to me, maybe just maybe for the first time in a very very long time something good is just around the corner....

maybe..........dreamy stares out the window and dreams !!!!!!!!

A happy Blog

2008-05-19T21:18:00.000-07:00

Today i have decided to post a Happy Blog. I am not going to whinge or complain or even get angry I have decided to be happy.

I am so busy here at work and my studying is going great guns, 3 distinctions and 1 High Distinctions this semester, so i can't complain there.

I rejoined the gym a couple of weeks ago and i am going to concentrate on losing some of this horrible weight i have put on, I need to lose 10kg. I want to be able to wear the clothes that are in my wardrobe...some of them are getting a little tight, so my new focus is ME....yes ME ME ME

I have B & S 's wedding in August and i want to look HOT - extra HOT HOT HOT.

I also had a phone call from "Gaygal", asking me up to Sydney for her 40th in September, omg i just can't wait for that...it is fancy dress and typical Gaygal the theme is "rocky horror show", oh i am so excited. She practically begged me to come, so guess what i have decided to do....thats right get skinny and then rock my arse off at her party dressed in something crazy...maybe just a petticoat and i could go as Janet...how much fun will that be.

Gaygal is fun as, and wild and she is soooo out there....i can't wait.

so that is my plans...the next few months are ME, i am saving money, working out and getting ready to look fantastic and party hard in August and September.

Well i hope i can stick to it.....(ooops there is those negative thoughts again...*slap slap slap* STOP IT dreamy)

What the ?????

2008-05-18T22:36:00.000-07:00

What a weekend, MD came around Friday after work and was just Mr Wonderful, telling me how much he missed me and the kids and trying to cuddle me. I sat him down once the kids had left (they went to their Dad's for weekend), and asked him what the hell was going on. I told him what i wanted and expected from him. He said that we need to sit and talk about it during dinner.

So off we went to get dinner, we kinda spoke but not in depth and he just kept telling me that he wanted to have a relationship with me and that i was important to him and he didnt' want to lose me out of his life blah blah blah blah.

We bumped into a couple who dont realise that we are split up and they hung around with us for a few hours at the club, so we didnt' get to speak again until we were home....welll.....we started arguing as soon as we walked in the door of his house. He then threatened to take me home and i called his bluff and said fine I called a taxi to come and get me and then the bastard wouldn't give me my keys to my house and he took my mobile phone and cancelled the taxi. I was furious. I just wanted to go home and I kept telling him that but he wouldn't let me leave. He kept saying that we needed to talk blah blah blah.

So after i calmed down and smoked 3 cigarettes outside, we talked and he asked if i loved him (which i stupidly do) and then he asked me to marry him.....i fucked up and said YES.

He had his mothers birthday last night and all his family (including his ex), went out for a lovely cosy dinner, of course i was not invited. I stewed on it all night...how can i have a relationship/marriage with someone who's family hate me.

How can that ever become comfortable for me and my kids. I would love to be in a relationship where i am accepted by the family. not an outcast.

Last night i told him that we need to wait and see how we go over the next few months before we think about the marriage stuff....he asked if i was backing out and told me that he really wants to marry me....i told him that if we can't make it work without a marriage certificate what makes him think that we can with a piece of paper....he told me that he wants to make that committment to me. But i told him that he doesn't need to marry me to show me that he is committed.

So that is where we are so far....still in fucking limbo land.

OH Sheepdog...yes i did sleep with him......I jsut cant control myself around him...what is wrong with that huh!!!! I am crazy and stupid and sometimes i wish that I could just get angry enough with this guy to piss him off.

We had lunch with his daughter and he left to go outside for a ciggarette, well she starts talking about how MD is taking a new job and starts in two weeks time - fulltime- and that he has asked his other daughter to manage his shop........oh i see.......i said

how can he fucking organise his life without even talking to me about it and yet he asks me to marry him....what is with that......god i am so confused.

Change of name

2008-05-15T16:54:00.001-07:00

As you can see i decided to change the name of my blog. I did a google for a couple of things relating to me and whalaaa up came my blog. So to remain annonymous i needed to change the name a little.

I may make some further changes over time, so be prepared.

Looking at the new title makes me smile, this blog really does keep me sane, it is my outlet. I can come here and bitch and moan and complain and get everything off my chest without it hurting anyones feelings or making my friends hear all my shit over and over and over again. I feel free when i write on here.

I have planned for a quiet weekend, might get hippy girl to come shopping with me on Saturday morning - I just want to do the op shops, it is nice to go op shopping, no pressure to buy or not buy anything and it kills some time.

I have assignment due on Monday, so i will spend some time over weekend studying.

MD is coming home from the city tonight, i am unsure whether he will come and see me or whether now that B & S have gone home (he always feels threatened when they are in town), that he will just avoid me, deep down hoping that i will go chasing him.....fuck it is like a cat and mouse game....he just doesn't fucking stop.

I did tell him on the telephone that we need to talk seriously and he just said "yeah ok", so I will see whether he comes around or not, he probably doesn't want to hear what i have to say.....why doesn't that shock me....he has never wanted to hear what i have had to say before so why am i fucking kidding myself into thinking that he will listen or even care NOW. Yep having a blonde moment.

So unsure

2008-05-14T20:10:00.001-07:00

This week has been very very uneventful. MD has been calling me each day, sometimes a few times a day and telling me how much he loves and misses me.

I just dont know at the moment what the hell is going on. I have always loved this guy - there is some kind of bond between us, some kind of deep connection that i honestly feel i will never have with anyone else. Yet, and this is a big YET.....he makes our relationship difficult.

How can i be so in love with someone who can switch (in a heartbeat), between adoring me and treating me like i am the best thing since sliced bread to me being the biggest slut he has ever laid his eyes on.

The way he looks at me when he is angry with complete and utter disgust, makes my skin crawl, makes me feel like I am shit, he just crushes me, tramples on me and keeps walking and doesn't look back.....until he decides that he has pushed me far enough away that it has destroyed me but not far enough that he can't get me back and then he works his magic.

He messages and phones me, sends me flowers and pretty much pours the affection and sweetness like you have no idea.....the way he treats me during this time is how i would like our relationship to be all the time.

I am not stupid and I expect to have our ups and downs, that goes without saying, yet i dont believe our downs should be so dramatic and our ups be so surreal.

He sent me a msg this morning saying "only one more sleep before i can see the women of my dream", see what i have to deal with....soppy stuff like that, yet it will only be a few weeks when he will start to disrespect me again and then i am the furtherest thing from the "women of his dreams"

My heart cant take this no more. The breaking and mending is sending me insane.

I am trying not to weaken

2008-05-11T21:01:00.000-07:00

OMG it is sooo hard, I have been feeling good, really good....just keeping busy and trying not to think about things too much. I had my friends come down for the weekend and I went out with the girls on Saturday night.

Had a blast of a time, drank way too many champagnes and whatever else we were all drinking, passed out at Hippy girls house, well during the night MD came and picked me up and took me back to his house. I was sound asleep and i remember leaving with him and going to his place...but not exactly sure why??? drunking stupor.

Anyway I woke at his house next morning and we had the biggest fight ever. He wants to be with me, but i dont trust him now.....he changes his mind from one day to the next....one day he wants me and adores me the next day he doesn't want me.....what do i do?

He is being very very nice to me even though i am unsure what i want to do. He even asked me to marry him....wtf is that all about.

I told him that we have major problems and that i didnt' even want to go there.

So i am basically just back in confusion land, where i have been lingering for about 8 years. I feel so stupid as he is such an arsehole and yet i love him....why can't i just find someone who will treat me great and not keep pushing me away and then pulling me back in.

MD is in Melbourne for the week, so at least i can have a break from him without having to worry.

Im feeling Okay about the split

2008-05-01T16:36:00.000-07:00

I feel good, well much better then i thought i would if and when MD and I decided that it was enough.

I finally did what everyone has been telling me to do for years....I told him what i wanted from the relationship. I told him that i wanted us to live together and that if he didn't want to move into my house then i thought that me and the kids should move into his. I told him i didn't want to be the girlfriend who lives on the other side of town anymore and that it was time to make a commitment to each other...for god sake we have been seeing each other for 8.5 years.

So.....he turned up to my place on the Sunday night and I asked if he wanted to talk about things and guess what the arsehole said.

"I want to end the relationship, I like having my own place and having peace and quiet when i want it, I like it the way it is between us. I also have decided that i want to start going "piggin" with my mates and I am afraid that I dont really have time for a relationship with you anymore and I think it is unfair for me to keep seeing you"....

wtf, 9 fucking years of living with his promises of growing old together,asking my opinion about the renovations on his house, telling my son that he could choose the color paint in the spare room - giving him the impression that would be his room.

anyway, i reacted like an idiot....i cried and i told him that he was stupid for doing this and that i wouldn't mind him going "piggin" with the boys and I wanted him........so he told me he needed to think about it....think about whether he wanted to be in a relationship with me or not.

for two days i sat waiting for him to decide, during this time he didn't ring me and when i rang him, he brushed me off......then it hit me....what the fuck am i doing begging a man to stay in a relationship with me......what a fucking idiot.....i deserve so much better then this shit.

So he finally turned up and my place one night and i asked him if he had thought about what he wanted and he said he hadn't had time....wtf....this is my life and he can't find the time to think about it....so there was my answer....a big "YOU JUST ARE NOT WORTH EVEN THINKING ABOUT".

So i told him. I have never been this strong before ever, I told him that it is his loss, that I am fine and I am just going to move ahead with my life, without him in it. I told him that he was not good enough for me and my kids as we deserved to be wanted and loved and not just discarded. I told him that it was all good, and that I was willing to share my life with him, but if he wasn't willing to share his then it was his loss, he is missing out of MY fantastic life.

He just kept grunting and saying okay, as he left he hugged me and I said to him
"I really thought we had something special"
"we do!" he said,
"no we dont we have had something very very "casual",
he said "if it was so casual why has it lasted so many years"

"Well this is where i am unsure of whether i was just stubborn or whether it was just stupidity" I said in response.

He left.

Since then he has been dropping in, I am being very nice to him and polite and he has noticed that I dont really care anymore.

I really feel over it, I really do. I deserve someone who will love me and my kids, I am an intelligent person, a great mother, a fantastic friend and i feel that i have so much to offer someone special.

So I am just going to move on, as some people say "as one door closes, another one opens".......i just need to find that door.

Im Tired

2008-04-06T21:05:00.000-07:00

I am so tired, I am so fed up with being busy all the fucking time. I need a break from life, from reality....i dont just mean a holiday where i come back to this fucking life...i mean a break, i complete change of lifestyle.

My kids are fantastic and i adore them...they are great kids....they adore me and we get along great...so they are defiantely not a problem....

My problem is life in general...work, MD, study, money, renting..i could just go on and on.

I am working all the time, I study full time (which is really really hard), I have dead broke, I dont have any spare money, i am renting a house which puts me in the unstable zone.

This house could be sold at any time and so i can't relax...i get the feeling that i will need to move again at some stage, maybe not today or tomorrow...but i feel unstable. I have my name down on Dept of Housing for a commissiion house just to be able to give my kids a permanent home...one where we can relax and know that we are staying.

My relationship with MD, if you can call it that...is fucked and i will never have normal relationship with him, he is a single guy who will never committ to me....we have been together 8 years and we can not live together..wtf.

So i am really just a fuck to him....a regular one...maybe there is my problem...i need to start charging him for sexual favours and that would help my money situation...lol...

Life is too hard...just too hard.

OMG Where do I Start

2008-03-30T15:21:00.000-07:00

It has been such a long time since i posted here and i guess it is because deep down i am a little ashamed of my life and even writing about it feels bad.

Quick run down since last post......

Lunch with girls went great, Hippy Girl and I were a little distant, but no one else noticed and we managed to get together a few times since then for lunch, just the two of us and it has been cool....no mention of that night...so i guess that is how it is going to be....."it just didn't happen"....hehehe

MD and I were getting along great and ventured onto our cruise with B & S, it was suppose to be a trip of our lifetime, as being with md for 8 years, this was the first holiday we have been on together. Things were great, me and MD were having a blast together and getting along and it was sensational. Well to fuck things up B & S had a really big fight in the early hours of one morning, in the cabin that we were sharing. MD and I had been in bed for hours when they came back so it was really uncomfortable, but hey these guys have been together for like 15 years and are getting married and of course when you have been drinking pretty much 18 hours a day for 4 days, things tend to get a little heated.

Well the next day was good, the four of us travelled around together and met up with some great friends of B & S and went out with them for the night....i didn't drink (shock horror), it was just so hot i couldn't...but MD was getting into it....we managed to get back to ship about 2am and i really wanted to go to bed, but MD and S wanted to get another drink down bar...so i wandered down with them. MD asked me to dance, which i did and it was the most romantic dance i have ever had in my life...it just happened to be "lady in red" and i was wearing a red top. we were the only two people on the dance floor..it was fantastic.

We went back to our table, where we had left S sitting alone and MD then asked me for another dance but I said to him, do you want to take S up for a dance...just so that we didnt' leave her sitting there alone again. WELLLLLL that was the biggest mistake of my life...He went off his head..started yelling at me that he didnt' want to dance with my friends that he wanted to dance with me...blah blah blah, i then said okay i would dance with him but he just yelled go get fucked, i dont want to fucking dance with you now......so with that i just calmly said goodnight and i walked down to the cabin and got into bed...i was not going to sit in a bar full of people with MD going balistic at me and I was sober and was not going to argue back with someone that was drunk.

About 15 minutes later MD walking in packed his bag and said he was leaving, that he was going home. AND HE FUCKING DID.

He got off the boat at 4.30am, after having security call the captain on him and Customs etc. they finally kicked him off because he was throwing a tantrum in the foyer of the ship......

I stayed in bed and was hoping that he had just wandered off somewhere to cool down and that he was coming back, for fuck sake home many people walk off a fucking cruise liner in the middle of the night?????? Guess who did.

So after all this shit, me spending the next four days alone on the ship...oh B & S were there but I had to keep leaving them so they could have time alone.....and i was fucking alone.....felt like shit.

I got home and he turned up and blasted teh shit out of me for ruining his holiday, that i made him feel unwanted and unloved...wtf.

I apologised, he has forgiven me and yes we are back together...i need to see a shrink as i know i deserve so much better then this....he has managed to tell everyone in town a bullshit story about how bad i was treating him that he had to leave the come home....now people are not talking to me - it is bullshit.

I am so down in the dumps, he has been fantastic since we got back, he knows deep down he fucked up and he is sucking up to me in private but in public he is the "macho" man, with the girlfriend that treats him like shit....people are saying that he deserves so much better......i just sit and do what i am told.

I have another appointment with my counsellor, who i know can do nothing...i am the only person who can do something....but i am stuck....he has control over me and i feel like nothing without him.....i am nothing without him.

I need to be slapped..or maybe someone could just come and kidnap me and take me away from all this.

Friendly threesome

2008-02-11T14:47:00.000-08:00

Well as I mentioned a couple of weeks ago, I have been very boring. I have been studying and working blah blah blah.

MD has been fantastic, we are getting along very very well. We went out on Friday night, just me, MD and Hippygirl. Had a fantastic night, just the three of us. It ended up with the three of us in bed and it was very very hot.

My dilema now is that i feel a little guilty, not so much about what happened with the three of us but more that i am concerned that it may effect our friendship. I love Hippygirl, we get along really really well and I enjoy hanging out with her. I just hope that things dont become uncomfortable between us. I hope that she doesn't feel guilty about what happened. We were all smashed and if we were sobber I am sure that it would never have happened.

I dont think she would be ashamed or guilty and I am sure that she wanted to do it as much as we did, considering that she actually came and got in bed with me and MD.

So I am off to lunch with a couple of friends tomorrow, which included Hippygirl, so i will see how things go. MD has said that we should just pretend that it didn't happen. That is what I will do.

Deep down I am really hoping that maybe we could all get together again one night...it was really good.....anyway just a thought.
****hehehehe - Dreammy does a little wicked laugh****

Been awhile

2008-02-04T19:15:00.000-08:00

It has been awhile since i posted on here, and even though each day i think about it, i just haven't really had much to post about. I have been studying hard, working harder, doing kid stuff and basically just being busy.

Did I mention that I have a new cat....it is named Angel....which isn't really appropriate considering that it is male, but my daughter named it and well "that is that" and apparantely Buffy's boyfriend is named Angel (u know - buffy the vampire slayer).

MD has been the most wonderful person out. I am still off the grog and I have been dieting madly hoping to lose a bit of weight...unfortunately that is yo-yoing each week, but shit who cares really.....

Leave in less then 14 days to go on a Cruise with MD. First holiday in 8 years that we have ever been on...i am really looking forward to it. Relaxation, yes fucking lots of alcohol and fun fun fun. We have two friends coming with us and they are partay animals....we will have so much fun.

So besides that my life is boring, maybe something exciting will happen this week....heres hoping.

Counselling

2008-01-10T19:31:00.000-08:00

I am feeling a little down today. I think i am down....not really sure whether I am just in the "I couldn't give a shit mode". I dont feel like doing anything this weekend, couldn't even be bothered catching up with friends, I have had Hippy girl ring me today wanting to catch up tonight. I invited her over to MD's for a BBQ, but deep down I really couldn't be bothered.

I am missing the alcohol, I have even thought of buying a bottle of champagne with the excuse that I owe Hippy girl a bottle, and then me and her share it....but one bottle is not enough and I know that if i open a bottle, I will definately be shitty once that bottle is gone and I dont have another to open. I feel like I should just get plastered.

the boys at the bar are pissed off with me...which is only because MD has bad mouthed me to them a couple of weeks ago and now that I am back with him, they seem to have lost some respect for me.......I dont blame them. MJ doesn't really chat to me much anymore, she does seem to chat to MD though, so that makes me think i am definately on the outer from the bar. Maybe i am being paranoid. I do know that Cubb really really liked me and I think I have put his nose out by getting back with MD, he is pissed off at me and probably thinks that I was using him whilst me and MD were split.

Maybe he is right? Maybe i was using him....i hate to think that I was but maybe I did. I enjoyed going down to the bar and chatting with him. He was always there for me and gave me lifts home from the bar etc. I knew that I could rely on him to be there for a shoulder to lean on.....maybe he expected more? even though I was straight down the line with him and I didn't pull any punches...told him directly not to get interested in me as I was not interested in anyone and I did not want him to think of me that way and that he was "just a friend", he assured me that was all we were and that he wasn't getting "in" to me blah blah blah....well surprise surprise, since I have gotten back with MD, he is cold towards me...but all of a sudden "loves" MD. WTF !!!!!

So the bar, where i felt the most comfortable is now out for me. I just dont feel it there anymore. I need to find a new spot, but then again, if MD wants me to stop drinking maybe it is best i just stay away from bars......maybe that is exactly what i should do.

I will be the typical closet drinker, no one with know.....get pissed at home alone....wow what a life !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Obviously I have run out of happy pills....going straight to Chemist to get them now!

Wow what a month

2008-01-07T14:56:00.000-08:00

Unfortunately things just haven't changed since i wrote here. I worked things out with MD, well actually I just started seeing him again, without us even discussing our problems.
I did tell him though just before xmas that if he could not put me as 1st priority in his life, then it would not work, so he has been very good in that regard and has been putting me first.

I had a problem with him at my work xmas do, as he turned up and demanded that i go home...i was shocked, as he didn't even come in and speak to my boss or anything, just tapped on window and told me to come outside. He told me that our relationship was over if i did not leave with him there and then. I stayed......well the shit hit the fan over that....and now he doesn't want me going out and drinking. So i haven't been drinking now for about two weeks. I am now the designated driver....he is still drinking, but i am not allowed, as he reckons i am out of control.

Deep down i dont care, I am over going out anyway, i would just prefer to stay home these days and hang out with the kids or study. I want to save money this year, so i can take the kids away for a holiday. That is my aim.

My mum sent MD a nasty message a couple of weeks ago because i told her about he threat that he was holding over my head. He deserved that message and I dont blame mum for reacting that way.....he is psychotic and I know that deep down i should not be with him as he is dangerous......but i feel STUCK.

I dont have enough strength to tell him to leave me alone.....what is with that....

I am seeing my counsellor this week and i will tell her exactly how i feel and see what she has to say. I am scared.

Vicious circles

2007-12-03T18:38:00.000-08:00

Going around and around and around.

MD rang me Friday morning to tell me that he wasn't coming home friday night from the city and we would need to catch up over the weekend to have our CHAT. So i decided to call into the bar about 10pm Friday night just to say hello. I was sitting outside with the slutty guy and his mate and another chick, when guess who pulls up...yes MD. He comes over, doesn't look impressed and quickly talks for about 5 minutes about how he decided at the last minute to come home and he was heading home because he was tired. I felt like he wanted me to come with him, but he just doesnt like seeing me out especially with other people that he doesn't know.

I told him i was just going to hang around. So i did and off he went home. I ended up at another bar and then a group of us decided to go to Adrians place, were we continued to drink champagne and just have a good time. Well my phone started ringing at 2 am and did not stop until 4.30. That is when i left Adrians and I caught a taxi to MD's as i knew i was going to have to deal with him eventualy. He was angry and then i got angry as i wasn't doing anything wrong. Anyway he drove me home. He came back on Saturday morning and we sat down and discussed the night before rationally and calmly. He realised that he was being ridiculous but said that he just couldn't stop himself from calling me over and over and over and over.

We still haven't had out big talk yet and he keeps telling me that he hasn't really had time to think about us because of his work etc. He did ring me yesterday though and asked if he could stay the night. I said NO. That i didn't want to start getting comfortable with him again before we have a talk and work through our problems. Trust being the main one.

I dont trust him. I hate how he disrespects me. I hate how his family don't consider me a part of his life. OH god i could go on forever.

So i haven't had much else happen, slutty guy rang me saturday and wanted to catch up but he has his own psycho ex girlfriend thingo happening and i dont need that stuff...so i am staying away.

I am feeling okay, need to get organised for xmas, i dont have many people to buy for but still need to get out there and do it. I love Xmas, i love spending the day with my family (wish you could be here Lee).

When is this going to end

2007-11-26T15:09:00.000-08:00

I stuffed up, big time stuffed up. I have been having problems moving on from MD, i miss him so much and i think about him 24/7. WEll i made the mistake of ringing him last Friday and told him that i wanted him back, so he came around for a talk.

He is working in the city for a week so he said that if we are going to try and make this work we need to sit down and think and discuss all our problems, see if there is any way we can work through them, get counselling and then decide whether we give it another shot or not.

So he said he will think about it all whilst he is away, and i am to do the same. So i have been thinking and I dont think I can work through our problems. No matter how much i love and miss him, i think our relationship is past fixing up. So i have to discuss everything with him on Friday/Saturday and i feel like shit. I beg him to come back to me, then i think about it and decide NO i can't do it.....wtf.

Now i feel like a bitch and i am confused. If i could wish for anything in my life it would be to work things out and live happily ever after with MD. But it is not going to happen.

The slutty guy has still been ringing me, i have been very straight with him and told him i am not ready for a relationship, just friendship. He is cool with that.
He is very keen and he seems very nice, but i am not attracted to him at all.

So the big discussion will take place on the weekend. God i just want this over and done with....my heart is so sick of being ripped apart and i am sick of letting someone have that kind of power over me. It sucks.

Why do i let him get to me? I have to stop

Good weekend

2007-11-18T20:14:00.000-08:00

Well Friday night was good. I started out at Taco Bills followed onto the Tavern for a Cold Chisel revival thingo. The place was packed with heaps of people that i knew, so i got to mingle and chat to heaps of people. I was quite pissy when i arrived after knocking back about 5 margaretta's, yummy. So by the time i left the Tavern with Kat and LB, we all were quite drunk.

I met a guy there who knew me, I dont really know him, i have seen him around for the past few years and he looks like a bit of a player. Well i saw him again on Saturday night and he is definately keen. He rang me Sunday inviting me out to a bbq, but i am not really interested in getting involved with a guy who has a reputation of being a slut - regardless of how hot he is.....

I actually am not attracted to anyone. I dont think i will feel comfortable enough with anyone to really move on from MD. which pisses me right off as i know that MD is out there kissing and fucking anything that moves. He is still messaging me and telling me that he loves me though and that he will never be able to replace the love that he felt for me with someone else....what a load a bullshit.

So i know it is time that I moved on. I just have to figure out how i am going to do that when all the sluts and riffraff seem to be the only people heading my way...urgh.

Oh i am so excited

2007-11-15T15:17:00.000-08:00

I can't wait to go out tonight.....i am so excited. Kat and I are going to partay, hard.
We always have a great time when we go out but this time it will be different because we are both single and we are both mourning and so we will have a great time.

Kat can really handle her alcohol, which i like that trait in someone, as i can hold mine really good too and there is nothing worse then going out to get drunk and your friend is absolutely ga ga way to early and you spend the night making sure that they are ok, instead of just being able to enjoy yourself and have no hassles.

I dont mind looking after a drunk friend, i think it is all part of the package of having friends, but tonight i just want to have a laugh, no dramas.

So MD is off to the city on another bike run with his mates and as far as i am concerned he can fuck his little heart out down there because i am going out to have fun - big fun.

I feel great....probably feel crap tomorrow morning but thats the price i have the pay.....yeharrrrrr

New beginnings

2007-11-14T14:04:00.000-08:00

This is a new beginning for me, i have still been struggling with missing the companionship that MD used to give me. But i haven't contacted him - this is the forth day.

I have organised to go out with Kat on Friday night and we have decided to do something completely different. Go to different places and not the ususal hangouts. So i am really looking forward to doing that.

Study for me all weekend, only have 2 weeks before i sit my exams, so i need to get stuck into it.

That's enough from me

2007-11-07T18:53:00.000-08:00

That's it! I am determined to not think or stress about MD, as far as i am concerned today is a new chapter in my life, one of happiness and laughter and people who care and love me.

I am not going to be upset with MD or sit and think about the why's and what if's. If he is stupid enough to treat me like he has for the past 7 years and then leave me to be snapped up by some other men, who i am sure will treat me better, then i consider that his lose, not mine. The only thing I have lost is companionship, and even that was only when he felt like giving me his time.

I deserve better and I deserve respect and I am not going to get that if i sit around thinking about MD. He is an arse and who or whatever he ends up with then all the best to them if they can put up with the way he disregards and disrespects women.

I am better then that! Even if i am alone for the rest of my life at least it is better then one day being with MD. dont get me wrong i am not quite in the angry zone with him yet...there are too many feelings still hovering around the surface, but i am no stupid and I know that this relationship was over a long long time ago.

So it is time i got up, brushed myself off and moved on.

A little sad

2007-11-06T19:45:00.000-08:00

I can honestly tell you that i thought that this breakup would be easy. I thought that i had had enough of the pain, but i was wrong. The ache in my heart is tremedous. I am absolutely devestated. I miss him.

I made the mistake of asking him to tell me if he is interested of if he sleeps with someone else. so he rang me last night and told me that he slept with a prostitute on Saturday night. I dont believe him, i am sure that he spent the weekend with a new girl....i know MD, he wouldnt go to a prostitute, i know deep down in my heart that he would not do that. He didn't answer my msg late saturday night or early sunday morning, so I assume that she was with him then. I hope he is happy and i hope that she can put up with his shit.

Deep down i still wish that it was me that he was with. I so want someone to love me. Just care about me the way i care about them. MD was it for me. I dont think i will ever ever get over him. He is and will always remain 'THE ONE".

So after he told me and since then i have felt physically sick, i am trying so hard not to think about it and i have surprised myself because i haven't even cried about it YET. Maybe tonight when i am snuggling in my big bed all alone. Thats when i cry.

Tomorrow is another day.

I am a survivor

2007-10-28T21:55:00.000-07:00

Things haven't changed, in fact it is exactly as it was....No contact, even though every couple of days he seems to need something or i seem to just msg him a hello.
We are being civil to each other and we both know that we are having trouble with the no contact, but we both know that this is the only way it can be. IT IS OVER.

I purchased a book, which i read in one night and it has been my saviour "It is called a breakup because it is broken", i would highly recommend it to any person that is or has been through a break up. It is humourous enough that it pulls you out of the depressive state that i was in and makes me think about things in a slightly difference perspective. It is good, no it is great.

I have been naughty though and actually had a guy come back to my place and stay for a few hours, no harm done really, i just needed to feel wanted, I just needed some affection. I dont have a problem with this guy because we are friends and i think he is happy just to finally be getting a bit off me. We have known each other a long long time and have always flirted and been great buddies. We will remain that way, i am sure.

So besides that i am taking each day as it comes, one hour at a time so i dont contact MD, I just so want to get over him and stop thinking about him all the time.

I hope this doesn't last forever.

How ironic

2007-10-15T17:42:00.000-07:00

How ironic, that i should post my last post regarding stopping all contact with MD, and in fact he sent me a msg on Sunday saying exactly the same thing....he wants no more contact with me. I know that i have said that is exactly what i want, but when it came to him tell me that...i freaked out.

It blew me away. I am devastated, i thought that i had control of the situation and eventually this guy would come to his senses and see how wonderful our love is and change so that we can be together forever happily.....god i was so stupid.

So now i am trying not to msg him or think about him. It is so hard. I guess i just always thought that he would be there...always trying to win me back, but he has finished. he has had enough too.

So when i wrote that it was over little did i know that he was thinking exactly the same thing.

Isn't it strange that you dont want something until you cant have it, or you take things for granted and then realise when it is too late. Well MD is and will always be the love of my life. I will never love someone like i love him. I look at him and my heart misses a beat, I adore him and will die knowing that i had a fantastic love once, one that many people never experience in their life and i was lucky enough to have found my soul mate....i just fucked it up.

I have decided to go to see a counsellor, i need to talk to someone and try and get over him. I am taking one day at a time, actually one hour at a time.

God i miss him, i miss him msging me and emailing me and i miss knowing that he will contact me at some stage. I miss him but i also understand exactly why he has decided to do this as i have even thought about cutting him off, but i think i have always been just "talk" and now that it is put into action WOW...i am devestated.

Im Good

2007-10-10T17:32:00.000-07:00

I feel good, well i feel okay. I have finally come to my senses and realised that whatever i had with MD is over. It is unhealthy. I need to start focusing on me and my kids. Even though i have always put my kids to the top of my priority list, i have also considered MD up there with them. NOT NOW!

I will stay civil with him but that is it. I have decided to stay as far away from him as i can. No more drinking at the Bar. i will really miss the guys, but i guess this is what i need to do. Spend time with my friends, not friends of MD's, but my friends. Study and i have started walking each night and doing a few exercises. So with all that, i should be okay.

I had lunch with Hippy girl yesterday and she is here for me, she understands and i know that i can ring her whenever i want so that i can hang out with her. Kat is always here for me too. So i will be okay.

I just have to learn to not worry about what he is doing and saying about me. It doesn't matter.

Even though i know i have said this a million times before and people think i am crazy for going through this yoyo relationship with MD, i am finished with it this time. My son KC even told me that i was a loser for going out with the same guy over and over again. "Straight from the mouths of baby's", he actually has more sense then me....

Speaking of KC he made it through to the regional championships, so i am taking monday off work and me and shan and my mum and dad are travelling down to watch him run. He is a great long distance runner and i hope he does well. I really do.....i am so proud of him for even making it this far, but to have him win would just make his year...... and i know how much he would like to win, or just come a place.

So i will be the proudest mum in my state on Monday when i watch my son line up to race, win or lose....to me he is the champion.

Nearly there

2007-10-07T21:37:00.000-07:00

I am nearly at the end of my rope. He fucked up on the weekend, his so called best friend (who happens to be a girl) approached me on Friday night, he was drinking with her when i arrived at the bar. Before i could even buy a drink she was in my face - accusing me of accusing her of having an affair with MD, I told her to fuck off that she didn't know what she was talking about. She wouldn't leave me alone, just kept following me, wanting to start trouble. MD ignored the whole thing, even when he saw me fighting with her, i ended up walking away from the bar, i was so upset and guess what he did....yep he stayed with her and kept drinking with her. He didn't come and see if i was ok. He stayed with her.....wtf.

So as far as i can see this relationship (if you could call it that) is OVER.

I am not wasting my time with someone who can treat me like that. He can go to hell.

I am so upset with myself, for again putting myself through this. I dont deserve it and he has never been here for me and i guess he never will be.

It is over.

SOB SOB SOB. Can't wait for these tears to turn to anger...so i can kill that bastard.

Crush 2

2007-10-04T21:05:00.000-07:00

Okay just realised that the heading on my last blog was "crush", which is not what i actually wrote about. So i will do so now.

I think i have a small crush on someone, well sort of...i think.

I dont know this guy, i have only ever spoken about 5 words to him but when i see him my heart misses a beat and i can't talk. I absolutely just cant talk....i go gah gah. It is the most ridiculous feeling ever.

To be so totally in control and then to feel like a blubbering 10 year old. He has spoken to me a couple of times and i can't even manage to make conversation. I answer everything in one word....wtf??? I can talk to everyone or anyone, except this guy. what is this all about.

I must admit i find him very very very good looking, actually quite sexy really.

Today i managed to make a small conversation with him and it felt good. I am sure that he doesn't even know i exist, so it is all in my head. The feelings are not recipricated. But i do recall a couple weeks ago i went into the shop where he works and he was talking to someone and he threw me a wink....yep a fucking wink...... i couldn't believe it.

So now i am fantasizing about a guy that i dont know that i dont talk to and yet find sooooo very very attractive.......

COULD THIS BE LOVE.....jokin.

crush

2007-10-03T19:46:00.000-07:00

Okay i have decided that i just cant let him go. I can't do it. I will have to live my life with a boyfriend who doesn't really want me to be his girlfriend, but just wants me! He doesn't plan any future with me, but he WANTS me.

I love him. I dont necessarily think i am IN love with him, but i do love him. I feel comfortable with him, i can't imagine feeling like this with anyone else....better the devil you know..huh

I can keep going like this until he gets sick of it. or i will finally reach the end of my rope and i will kill him....jokin.

I am just living each day at a time. Not planning anything - not doing anything.... things haven't changed actually in 7.5 years.

Oh i received my results for my exam last month....CREDIT...yeharr..i should celebrate this weekend...yes i think i will.

Ho-hum

2007-10-02T21:38:00.000-07:00

I have been staying positive in regard to the relationship with MD, but i just can't seem to get past the fact that i dont' want to be with him anymore. I think about it all the time but when he comes around i am hopeless.

We have been sleeping together, which has been great and i know that i shouldn't keep leading him on, but i can't let him go any more then he can let me go. We both are just stuck in a rut. I know that it will never work between us and yet he knows me better then anyone i have ever met. I feel comfortable with him.

I am going to have to cut it off, just stop all communication between us...it will kill me. I know i will feel lonely and i know that i will miss him. but i can't put my kids through this anymore. They are confused and have no idea what i am doing...whether i am with him or whether we hate each other....it is so confusing for them. I dont want them thinking that this is how a relationship is...that when things get tough that you split up, but then you really stay together.....see it is stupid.

How do i do this? How do i break it off when he is the love of my life - or was the love of my life.....how do i move on?

Life wasn't meant to be this hard....or am i making it hard on myself?

Just waiting

2007-09-26T21:38:00.000-07:00

I am just waiting for MD to stuff up. I am so tense. I haven't been seeing him, even though he has been ringing me every night. I am feeling okay. but i really dont want to work things out with him.

Yet, i am soooo fucking weak. He rang me today at lunch and asked me to meet him for lunch....and what did i fucken say...."ok" so he came here to work and we went and had lunch. As i mentioned before, we get along great when we dont discuss our problems and so lunch was good. Light hearted joking good.

Kids are back and i am just going to focus on them and my study. oh i wish i new what i was doing with my life.

I feel okay, i dont feel depressed, i dont really know how i feel. I think tense would be the only word for it. Waiting for him to stuff up or hurt me again. I hate this feeling and the sooner i get him out of my life then the sooner i will begin to feel safer or less tense at least.

well, until tomorrow

Alone time

2007-09-24T21:23:00.000-07:00

I am really confused...wow....unbelievably confused.

MD came around last night, and just laid on couch and watched tv, he ended up staying the night. Which is really nice as i do love him, but today i feel stupid. I tell him how i feel and he tells me not to worry that everything will work out. But is it? That is my dilemma, i just dont think it will work out.

I know i love him and i miss him, but i dont know if I want him anymore! I just dont want the crap that comes along with him. But how do i move on? How do i get over someone when they are continually telling me that it will all work out in the end and to just take one day at a time?

I need to be strong and I need to have some self respect. I need to stand up and shout "stuff this, i am not doing it anymore", i need to be alone. But when i am alone i think about him and i miss him, i want him back.

So to all the confused women out there that have been through this and have survived...good on ya. Maybe there is hope for me too, i just dont know how to move on, or worse, i dont know if i ever will learn to live without him.

It hurts me, not knowing what i am doing, not knowing just what to expect in my life and have no hopes for the future. I dont have plans. I just live.

Oh-oh so bad

2007-09-23T20:32:00.000-07:00

My life is stuffed. I just am so confused. I went out on Friday night. Alone. Yes alone, i couldn't find anyone to go out with so i thought stuff it. I ended up drinking at the Bar and MD came and sat with me all night. I was getting drunker and drunker and ended up pissing him off. He left and then rang me and i had a big arguement with him. Called him everything and told him he was selfish and that he could stick all his flash stuff up his arse, his new harley, plasma tv, laptop, six person spa...fuck him

He came around on Saturday and we talked and we went for a ride on his "new harley", yes the one i told him to stuck up his anus. It was actually good. we enjoy each other company when we are not talkin about our problems. But that is the problem, we dont fix anything because we just dont talk about it.

I spoke to him today and told him i couldn't handle it. I am so sick of feeling like this, i have no idea where i stand in his life, i dont want to go back to the way we were and i have no idea how to move on. I am so upset. I just wish i could be left alone. I dont want to have to think of him and yet i cant stop. I think about him constantly. I am worried that he is seeing other girls and that i dont know about it.

Then i think i dont care if he is seeing girls, oh god i am so confused. He keeps telling me he wants to work this out, but i dont know how we can do that - too much water under the bridge. I have no idea what to do. I can't imagine my life without him - i love him....and yet i dont like the person that he can be sometimes, he hurts me too much. He disrespects me.

I have booked in to see a counsellor, i have to go to doctors on Wednesday morning and get a referral then i am off to see one. Oh i hope they can figure my head out. as i have no idea what the hell i am doing.

Just a slight hiccup

2007-09-17T17:15:00.000-07:00

I am still feeling great...love happy pills. Had a great weekend with the kids, it was nice to spend time with them and i really put in a great effort in the mom and kids time this week. so i feel proud. I even done Acylic nails on my daughter, which took forever, but it was nice mum and daughter bonding time. i loved it. so did she.

MD popped in on Saturday night, he only stayed for 1/2 an hour, i think he felt out of place, as me and the kids were in a great mood, i was just dishing up our dinner and the kids couldn't shut up telling him what we had done that day....washed the dogs, went to school fete, son played a game of soccer, hockey and touch football, shan had face painted, painted a tile, painted a picture, done some beading. so it was all very exciting. I didnt hear from MD again until last night when he rang and asked if he could come over for a cuppa. I said yes, see how weak i am!!!!

So he came over and he had cuppa, he gets his new harley this week and wants to take me on a ride on Saturday afternoon, i told him i would think about it...but i really dont want to go. I think he wants it to look like i am only after him for his bike, so i dont even want to be seen near the bloody thing. He stayed over for a couple of hours and yes we went to bed....i know i know i am the weakest of the weak....but it was terrific. and i mean fantastic sex....break up/make up sex is the best. He asked if he could sleep the night and i was strong enough to say no.

Today i feel guilty, i dont want to keep this relationship going. I dont want to get my heart broken again. So i am going to stay strong and tell him that it will not happen again. If he asks if he can come over i will say NO.....NO......NO. not even for a cuppa.

He is in love with me, i have no doubt about that. He has stuffed up and he knows it, he has lost me, as i will NOT put myself through a relationship/none relationship with him again. NEVER.

Great so far

2007-09-13T20:20:00.000-07:00

Wow, i can't believe how good i feel. I mean i really feel great. I am not worrying about anything and just cruisin'.

I got phone call from MD last night just for a chat. I think he was hinting for me to invite him over, but i was very very strong and didn't. Told him i had heaps of study to do. He rang back about an hour later, to tell me about a competition to enter to win a trip to Paris.....i think he was defnately fishing for an invite over. But i still didn't invite him over. Just said i had to go do more study.

I received a funny email from him this morning, basically i think he is fishing for a "i love you and i am suffering and can't live without you" reply, as he was saying things like "i think you are interested in someone else" "I am shattered", "I just wanted to make you happy" wah wah wah......I just sent him back an email detailing how i was feeling, that i was staying strong and taking each day as it comes but feel good about it....I dont want to be down in front of the kids. So i wished him well and hoped that he could find happiness, as i defiantely didn't make him happy.

Haven't heard anything back yet.

I am going to spend tonight cuddling the kids on the couch. I think we should spend some together time, just chillin. I am trying desperately to save money now. As i need to pay off my credit cards and also put some money aside to pay for the cruise and spending money and pay off kids xmas layby's .......i think i can do it. I just have to tighten up that belt of mine, the one that keeps slipping down around my ankles and tripping me up.

So here is to my new life of happy kids, a little money and happiness and of course STUDY.

Life goes on

2007-09-12T17:25:00.000-07:00

I feel really good, felt really good last night and this morning, so i am assuming that those happy pills are really doing their job well.

I have been studying at night and feeling a little overwhelmed, i think i should only attempt one subject per semester as i feel like i am falling behind...not that it is upsetting me....nothing seems to be upsetting me today.

I even done some exercise last night, and planning on doing some each night....i am going to watch what i eat and lose some weight...well try and get fit and lose some weight at the same time.

MD came around last night and asked me how i was, i told him how good i felt and that i was seeing a counsellor and was going to start thinking about me and what is best for me and my kids. He was a little shocked i think, as he said he felt that the counsellor was making me 'strong' he likes me weak and sooky...it gives him power. So i feel good, well at least for today.

This breaking up bullshit is so hard, feels like i am the only person to ever have felt it, i am sure that i am not, but i am determined to get through this and come out on top. People have told me that there is life after MD and i am sure there is.......as is said on Moulin Rouge (movie)....COME WHAT MAY!

Back on the drugs

2007-09-11T19:44:00.000-07:00

I went and got some more happy pills the other day and i have started back on the track to blissfulness. I really think i need them as MD is driving me nuts.

I think about him the moment that i wake, i think about him before i fall asleep at night......i want him to call me, but then when he does i wish he hadn't. I am so confused.

I have to start thinking about me, me me me me me.....if can have some respect for myself then i will not let someone treat me with anything but.

So i am hoping that these pills kick in real soon and i can start to feel normal, well whatever the fuck normal is......even just for awhile.

Wow

2007-09-10T16:11:00.000-07:00

Looking back at last weeks post, i feel exactly the same way and yet so much has happened. Friends turned up in town for MD's big birthday bash and i spent a lot of time with them....they convinced me to go to his party...MD had told them to talk me into going. He rang me on saturday afternoon and we met for coffee....he told me that it would make his night if i would go...that he had spoken to his family and his mum was not going to start any trouble.

So i went and guess what....he fucken ignored me for most of teh night....he did not come up to me...not even once. I went up to him and wished him happy birthday and then basically i was treated just like another guest, well actually i felt more like a guest that wasn't invited and shouldn't have been there....thank god for my mates. they made me feel so welcome...during the speaches they actually crowded around me and put their arms around me and kept asking if i was okay etc....i love my friends so much.

So i ended up having a ball with them. I didn't even see MD after we left the party until we got to the nightclub and then i saw him but he still did not acknowledge me and i was okay with that....i left in a taxi at about 3.30am...blastered...but happy.

About 4.30- 5am MD knocked on my bedroom window and so i opened the door and just walked back to bed, i feel straight back to sleep. He must have fallen asleep too but he woke up at 6.30 and started hassling me....i told him i wanted to sleep so he left. What does he expect, that he is going to ignore me all night but then come around and get a bit.

I am so hurt, i knew this would happen, but i really thought that the night of his party would have given him the perfect opportunity to make me feel special, even to a small degree, he could have made a point of talking to me, have a dance with me, but no, he only danced with other girls.

So i saw him yesterday and he wanted me to give him a cuddle and he was all lovey dovey, i told him that i couldn't handle it...that i was not prepared to have a hidden relationship, where he adores me when we are alone, and ignores me when he has someone around.

Fuck it, i deserve better then that.

Disregard the last post

2007-09-03T17:00:00.000-07:00

Okay i didn't mention that he turned up on Saturday night and spent the night...yep i stuffed up. I can't help it, he just has this power over me and I know that i dont want him back and I know I dont want to be with him anymore, but he just keeps coming back.

I have made it clear to him that we are over and yet he seems to ignore that and want to be with me. He came around last night and i was just going to bed, so he told me to go to bed and he would turn everything off.. well he came into the bedroom and laid on the bed beside me telling me that he loved me and that he wanted to be with me, just to hold me.

So he stayed for about an hour, just cuddling me (really just holding me...nothing else) and then he left.

I am fucking crazy, i am just setting myself up to be hurt again. I cant stop thinking about the girl from Deni that i dont even know. He has been seeing her, i am sure of it.....so why come back to me?

It is his birthday today but if it wasn't i would definately be sending him a msg to say stay away...it is just that i don't want to upset him today. Yes just another excuse......well what i will do is wait til he contacts me and then i will just tell him that i am busy etc...i will brush him off. God i hope i can do that.

I need to work myself out and try and move on. How the fuck can i do that when he keeps coming back into my life.

I feel okay, i feel strong, i just wish he would stay away from me....when i see him i am weak.

I am surviving

2007-09-02T16:38:00.000-07:00

I have survived the first two weeks. I am still a little sad about what has happened and upset that the guy who i thought was the love of my life - definately is not, nor has he ever showed me that he deserves to be classified as the love of my life.

I have been keeping busy with study and the kids. Even my puppies keep me busy, so i have had enough stuff to keep my mind off him.

He has started msg'ing me, just friendly messages, and he even called around for a cuppa last night, we just spoke small talk, so it is okay. I will never put myself through that again. I know that it is over and eventually i will move on without him...no problems.

My son has gone on school camp for three days, so i am looking forward to spending some time with just me and my gal. I am planning on doing our toe nails tonight....I know that doesn't sound exciting, but it is exciting to an 8 year old.

MD's 50th is this weekend, so of course i am planning on just spending time with the kids, their dad has had an accident and is in hospital, so i guess i will hve the kids for the next few weekends. Thats okay... i enjoy having them around.

Well, life is boring but i am feeling okay....i have even stopped taking my happy pills and i seem to be okay.

Yep things are okay.

It's Over

2007-08-21T17:37:00.000-07:00

It is over. MD moved out on Saturday, so i am alone again with my kids.

He is such a piece of work!! A few weeks ago, the same night he went off at me for asking someone for a cigarette, he also blew up at me because a girl at the pub said "hey look at this" and passed me her mobile phone...on it was a picture of a guys penis.....all of us girls at the pub had a look and a laugh and passed it back to her and she said that it is a guy that she slept with....Well MD went off at me when we got home, saying that i shouldn't have looked blah blah blah.

Well last friday night on way home from pub, MD told me how he had been receiving dirty pics and msg from Shor, and i just said jokingly...."oh so it is alright for you to look at dirty msg, but i get in trouble for looking at someone else's phone...and just laughed....as if to say how hypocritical.....

We got out of taxi and he started going ballistic. He just was going off at me and i again was trying to calm him down, but he was irate. He stormed out and drove off in his car. I just sat back and waited for him...i tried to ring him, but he just kept hanging up on me. So I text him "come get your shit tomorrow, i am sick of your bullshit'.....

Next minute he was at the front door, knocking, i opened the door, but i had clipped the security door. He said to let him in so he could get his stuff, i told him to come back the next day and shut the door......welll........he broke the security door apart and broke into the house, before i could even ring the police.

I just went to my sons room and stayed there until i heard him leave. He scares the shit out of me. He is psychotic.

He moved the rest of his stuff out on Saturday, i just stayed at my parent place until he had it all out.

Now here is the most stupid thing in the world.....I MISS HIM.....I LOVE HIM.....I am heartbroken...very very heartbroken....I dont think i will ever get over this guy...ever....i know how stupid that sounds and I know that we just shouldn't be together because we are like dynamite. but i love him, i ache for him.

I haven't told anyone this, i haven't spoken to him. I am staying away from him like i know i should.....I know eventually it will not hurt so much....

I just dont know how long i am going to be feeling this way.

I am sooo sad

Strange

2007-08-14T16:31:00.000-07:00

I am soooo busy, with work, study, kids, personal trainer....i just dont have time to scratch myself. I am getting up at 5.30am to go to the gym, then work all day, organise dinner and kids homework, hang out washing, fold up washing, study till i am too tired and then do it all again the next day...phew i am exhausted.

I had a cleaner come to the house yesterday, wow that was the best, it wasn't the best clean that has been done, but it was still better then what i have been doing lately.....nothing.

I also got in touch with a cousin of mine, she lives in the next town and i haven't spoken to her for about 10 years. she emailed me and she has six kids, oldest one is locked up....so my life is looking pretty good in comparison.

MD has been good, i have had no time to even argue with him, so that has been nice. He is attentive and being very sweet to me...i think he knows how busy i am and if he was to push me i might just fall off the edge.

So life goes on and on and on and on

Normalsy

2007-08-08T15:58:00.000-07:00

Things are back to normal....yep i just dropped the subject - never to be mentioned again, and he is back to his happy self.

I just couldn't be bothered...i am so sick of arguing with this guy, it is driving me nuts...so i am not going to do it no more.

If we go out, i am going to stay sober and make sure tht i do nothing wrong. I told him i thought that we both should give up drinking because we always end up arguing, he just grunted to that...so i have to assume i have buckley's of getting him to give up.

His 50th is on in a few weeks and i am so NOT looking forward to it. I suppose i will just have to put up with whatever shit he decides to throw at me that night...i will be prepared.

I have already worded mum and dad up about sleeping at their house that night. so i am studying and just waiting for the big night. Yeah im stressed.

Crushed

2007-07-30T18:03:00.000-07:00

I am crushed again by MD. He has treated me like shit again. Spoke to me like i am a piece of shit, again.

I don't understand, I dont speak to him nasty, I dont treat him like he is a slut, I don't disrespect him to other people.....why "if he loved me" would he do that to me.

I am so embarrased, so pissed off.

I asked a guy for a cigarrete on saturday night at the pub and he went absolutely ballistic at me. I left and got a taxi home, quickly put kids to bed (who just happened to be up watching tv) and laid in bed waiting for him...He must have walked home but when he got in he was so angry with me, that he just started abusing me whilst i was in bed pretending to be asleep. I eventually just got out of bed and walked to my daughters room and climbed in bed there. Well he came into the bedroom and demanded that i go back to my room.....god he is a piece of work. I have my daughter and my neice in the same room and he was yelling at me....so i got up and went back to bed. He slept on the couch.

I dont understand what he was so shitty with me about. He had asked a few people for smokes during the night because he had run out and the machine wasn't working. But when i asked someone - he went off.

The next day topped it all off. He received a phone call at 8am from some women who needed him to help him go to her boyfriends house and pick up all her stuff because they had split up. So she came and picked him up....he went all the way to the city with this lady and got home about 5 oclock in the afternoon. Well you might think that was nice of him huh....well what the fuck.....i have never heard of this women, never heard MD mention her name, never even seen her in my life, but apparantely he is good enough friends with her to help her move....and when they arrived back to my place - he was actually driving her car with her comfortablly sitting in passenger seat. I have been with MD for 7 1/2 years wouldn't you think that during that time, i would have met this lady, or MD would have at least mentioned her name to me. It is all secretive and fucking sus. She just jumped into drivers seat and drove off he didn't bring her in the introduce her to me or anything when they got back.

Why didn't she get soemone else to help her....what is going on between them....i just don't even know MD. He lives a life with me and then has another life with someone else......i am fucking furious.

So i am crushed and confused and i dont know what to do? I just don't know what to do?

To make matters worse, he is not talking to me because i am shitty with him.....what the fuck do i do now?

sore and frustrated today

2007-07-25T17:44:00.001-07:00

MD is the most frustrating fucker i have ever met. He soooo rubs me up the wrong way. He is illogical and i hate people who do not think logically. He had a friend who saw his harley in another town, so instead of just ring that police station in that town and reporting it to them so they are aware of the sighting, oh fuck no that is too fucking sensible. He decides to get his fucking daughter to find a friend who works there and get her to contact him and tell him, so that he knows....what the fuck.

If MD really wanted his harley back he would just phone the police and report it....i dont understand. Why get his daughter involved in this and contacting a someone she knows, just because he works at the police station in that town......i suppose it is so his daughter feels important that she is involved in reporting this to this guy....i dont fucking know.

I told him this and guess what his reply was "i am too busy here at work" oh fuck me. this guy is never busy at work. He plays backgammon on the pc most afternoons.

You can bet though that MD will be the first person telling people how the police are not doing anything to help him find it.....he can't even help himself....so what the fuck does he expect.

I paid for our fares to go away next feb, yes i fucking paid. If i waited for him we would never get a flight up there to connect with the boat. so i had to do it.

MD hasn't even started organising his passport yet....i think he is hoping that he will run out of time and not be able to come......i dont understand that either.

so here i am dissin' people who do not think logically and yet i am still with this fucked head of a guy......logically i should have kicked his arse to the curb years ago....so maybe i am not as perfect as i thought. god he pisses me off, he irritates me.

I am sore today, just my stomach muscles so i am glad about that...obviously something was effected by all that exercise. I did expect to be a lot sorer then i am so maybe i didn't quite give it as much as i could have.

So tomorrow morning i am going to work my butt off, well hopefully it will get smaller at least....lol

I am pumped

2007-07-24T22:42:00.000-07:00

My back is great, i went back to chiro on Tuesday and i feel really good....a little tender still but nothing compared to last week.

I am really pumped today....i started "boot camp", this morning. well it isn't actually boot camp, that is just what the guys here at work are calling it. I am meeting with a personal trainer three mornings a week for 6 weeks.

So i was up at 530 this morning and a friend picked me up and off we went, to do treatmill, excercise bike, boxing, skipping, step ups and sit ups......oh my god. i didn't realise how unfit i was but i enjoyed it....i really enjoyed it.

So i am expecting to have really sore muscles tomorrow...hahaha...and my post tomorrow will be the opposite of todays....just meer whinging.

My sis is flying over on the weekend with my neice and nephew i am pumped about that too. Can't wait to catch up to them all.

My study is still going and going.....i am stressing about it...but what the fuck can i do about it really?????

so i plod on and just hope for the best.

Pain relief

2007-07-19T21:51:00.000-07:00

I went to doctors and finally got some decent pain killers....they at least knocked me out enough last night that i was able to get some sleep. the doctor has told me that i have twisted a muscle in my neck and that basically it will need to fix itself.. so i was back a chiro this morning hoping for a fucking miracle....he even told me that it doesn't seem to be unwinding as quickly as he hoped and that i would need more visits.

I am so fucking over this....i feel shit...the pain killers are killing the pain, but i feel like i am walking, talking and acting slow...like a fucking retard.

HOpefully i will get over this sometime next week.

MD has been good...i think he is hanging for a fuck, he hasn't had one all week because of my back,,,,hahahaha god men are pathetic.

Pain threshold

2007-07-17T22:43:00.000-07:00

What is the normal pain threshold for a female? I feel like i am living on the edge this week. My shoulder/neck is killing me. I have never felt such excruitiating pain. I am still working, as i can't see the point in sitting at home feeling sorry for myself.

The kids are being great, KC is the most affectionate kid, he adores me and he always makes me feel good even by just asking me if i am okay and if he can get me anything. I love my kids, i am so lucky.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, as i am not sure what else i should be doing. People have told me to go have a massage, but the thought of someone actually touching my shoulder/neck makes me feel sick. No way could someone massage me without sending me through the fucking roof.

Maybe the doctor will xray and see what is wrong. It feels like i hve dislocated my shoulder....welll i think that is what it feels like.

I am doing Spaghetti bol for dinner tonight, going to teach KC how to cook it.

So besides not feeling too good and still popping pain relief tablets, life is pretty boring.

Still shitty

2007-07-16T21:23:00.000-07:00

Just re read last weeks entry and yep i still feel the same. He is a fucking tight arse bastard that just wants to live off me and then when he thinks he has had enough, he will go back to "his" house, with "his" fucking furniture and all "his" fucking money.

I dont understand him and i guess i never will.

Fuck it all.

I have put my neck out this week and i am feeling terrible. I am taking pain killers and they are making me feel out of it....it the most wonderful way.

Thank god for pain relief.

I been to chiro twice this week and have another appt on Friday, if i can last that long....it is killing me.

ooooo just got a twing, best i pop another one of those little yellow pills so i at least feel numb. Not getting much work done here today...OFF MY FACE.

i am shitty

2007-07-11T22:37:00.000-07:00

I am feeling shitty, really fucking shitty.

I hate being with MD, so much, he promises me the world and then dishes me up shit. We have been together for 8 years and he has never taken me anywhere, he has never spent a cent on me. We have made no plans for the future and when i ask him about planning something he just tells me that he is broke.

He is not fucking broke, he owns his own jewellery shop, employ's 6 staff and has enough money to buy himself whatever he wants, eg. new dirt motorbike, new harley davidson, new ute, tools, whatever.

I just want to make a future for me and my kids, to feel comfortable, i work full time, i earn a good living, i am also studying full time to become a qualified accountant. I am trying so hard.

Yet i feel i am getting nowhere, whenever i ask him to do something, like buy a block of land with me or something, he says he cant afford it. Why does he do this? isnt' he interested in getting ahead with me? I don't suppose he is.

I wish and i wish that i could have some security. Something that i can depend on, but i never will. I am going to end up being one of those fucking dead beats that live in public housing, with kids that hang around with dead beat kids, who live on the wrong side of town. I know i am.

I know that if the price of rent keeps going up that i will end up in emergency housing, whilst MD is living in his house that he owns out right, but he wont admit that to me. He says that it is his parents and i dont doubt for a minute that the house is in his parents name, but it is his ....he rents it out and keeps the rent money (which he hides from me), i also heard his mum tell him that he should sell it if he doesn't want the hassle of renting...he didnt' think i heard that. So i know that it is his.

He doesn't even want me and the kids to move into it. We could live there rent free and save some money, but he doesn't want to. He says that it is his parents house....well fuck me. When we have an arguement he always says that he is moving out....guess where....to the fucking rented house.

He has kept his leather lounge suite up at his daughter, so i didn't sit on the fucking thing and he will be able to take all his furniture back to his house....so i guess i am just living with him until he decides that he is sick of roughing it and he will go back to living the high life...without having to share any of it with me.

Fuck him, fuck the whole thing about him.... i am sick of this fucking relationship...it is going no where.

Mellow yellow

2007-07-09T21:55:00.000-07:00

I am mellow, i have been feeling pretty good lately. Just spending time with myself, not feeling pressured into doing something that i don't want to do and basically not giving a fuck about anyone or anything.

I got a bad head cold last week, so i just veged out with the kids each night, done a little bit of study but basically it was good. MD was away until Friday night. It was nice and quiet.

Spent the weekend just chillin at home with the kids, MD went back to city for a friends baby's christening on Sunday so i managed to get a little study done that day too.

I have to go get some more "happy pills" tonight after work because i have run out and i am scared that this feeling is going to end and i will get stressed out again. I need them.

My weekend is going to be good. I have study to do....I LOVE STUDY....it makes me feel empowered. I feel like i have something in my life.

My friends are great but sometimes i feel a little bit pressured to catch up to them all the time, i have a great excuse in the fact that i now STUDY. I dont have to just tellthem that i have been too busy....they are more understanding when i say i have had heaps of study to do......it is nice.

I haven't seen or heard from Hippy girl for ages, i hope she isn't mad at me. she probably is but o-well....she will get over it. or if she doesn't i will jsut have to suck up her arse AGAIN.

Okay back to work now.....busy busy busy here at work but loving it...(except for "you know who").

Didn't do it

2007-07-03T16:08:00.000-07:00

No, i didn't do it....i just couldnt tell the boss. I know that SFB is right up his arse and I don't want to look like the petty one, upset over a cappacino, so i didn't.

I can't stop thinking how this bitch is getting to me, i know that i have the power to not let her get to me, but fuck this girl is full on. I purchased a new computer which was getting delivered to work, i asked her if she could ring me if it turned up on Monday (as i had day off work), well it arrived and the bitch didn't even ring me, after i specifically asked her too. I spent time getting the company to trace it for me, because i thought it had gotten lost in transition, and they actually came back and said that it had been delivered to my work address that afternoon. Why didn't she ring me? It wouldn't have cost her anything.

I asked her why and guess what her response was...."oh, i was just so flat out here at work i didnt' get time".....well fucken bullshit if i have ever heard it.

So i dont like her and she obviously doesn't like me, and i am trying to be nice and polite as usual and biting my tongue...but FUCK SHE PISSES ME OFF BIG TIME.

MD has gone away working for a few days, so i am looking forward to having the bed to my self, just to be able to spread out, hog the blankets and pillows...mmmm bliss.

I also get to study without feeling guilty about not spending time with him.

okay had my bitch for the moment.

Why???

2007-06-28T20:08:00.000-07:00

Dinner last night with the people from work was great. Lots of laughs, nice wine and fantastic food. I really enjoyed myself.

A little pissed off this morning though because.....here comes the story....

On Tuesday a guy came into the office and asked Snarly face bitch (SFB) to do a job for him, so when boss was at lunch SFB came to me and said that she didn't know how to do it, so i told her to just type information into computer and i would do all the setting out and printing etc. So she done that and then i spent about 10 minutes reorganising her work so that we could present it to the guy.

When boss came back from lunch SFB asked if she should charge client and he said no it wasn't a big job, so she told the guy that there was no charge and the guy handed her $5 and told her to buy herself a coffee. She gave money to boss and he actually gave her the money and then shouted her a cappacino for doing the job.....what the fuck is it...not once did she mention that i had done the fucking job and she is reaping the rewards. I dont want to be petty because it is petty, but i dont think the boss realises how much work i do for that SFB. He keeps praising her up and yet i do a lot of her work whenever he isn't in the office, she comes running to me to explain things to her etc. it shits me.

I think i will approach the boss and explain the situation and let him know that i just wanted him to know because i think he doesn't realise how much of her work i am actually doing it....should i do this?

I am torn between just letting it go AGAIN.....or tell him.....will it make me look like i am searching for recognition, which i am not. i guess i just want him to know that she 'ISN'T ALL THAT". Is this nasty?

I just dont know how to go about this situation.

Okay

2007-06-27T21:49:00.000-07:00

I feel great today...one extreme to another.

Going out for dinner tonight with all the people from work. Boss is shouting. So that should be good. Snarly face bitch has even been very very nice to me for the last couple of days....maybe the calm before the storm.

The kids are going good and even though my life is boring i am feeling okay today, hopefully this feeling will last a while.

School holidays start at the end of this week and my daughters birthday next week, which is costing me a fortune, but i am so determined to give her a birthday party. When i was a kid, i never had any parties, not one. My parents always said that they couldn't afford it. So i missed out. I finally got a party for my 21st, which was really quite ordinary. So at least i got one.

My kids get one every year, until they decide that they don't want one anymore theni will stop. So Shan has 9 girls coming Ten Pin Bowling, it will be a blast. i can't wait.

I love parties, even if it is for an 8 year old.

So ordinary

2007-06-25T22:33:00.000-07:00

This week has been so ordinary...that it makes me sick. I am so bored with my life. I work, I clean the house, cook dinner for the kids and MD each night(by the way we have started a new regime at home, we each have a night to cook dinner) so i help the kids do that two nights a week.. Eventually they will be able to cook something themselves...can't wait for that!!! I study each night and on weekends......that is it!!! that is my life.

Hippy girl sent me an email last Friday saying that she might come over and see me Friday night if they dont go to the city.....well by about 6.30 she hadn't shown up so i told the kids to get dressed so i could take them out for dinner. Well she showed up just as we were about to walk out the door...I invited them to come with us but she had her nose out of joint. I have pissed her off because she came around and i was going out....

I find it really easy to upset Hippy girl, it is quite annoying really as the Friday night before she said that she was coming around - and she didn't turn up, nor did she ring to say that she couldn't make it. I stayed home all night just in case she turned up.

I didn't get shitty even though we were going away on the Saturday and i really wanted to do the shoping on the Friday night, instead i had to run around early Saturday morning and do it......yet i didn't get upset with her, i just let it go.

She wont be talking to me now and you know what i dont care anymore...I have had this girl over for dinner at least 10 times when her boyfriend is away working, just so she isn't alone.....she has never invited me over to her place for dinner...never....so again i feel like i am being used. I work full time and have kids, she only works two days a week without kids and yet she feels that i dont pay her enough attention....what the fuck is that about....i am busy...i can't just drop everything all the time for her....my kids wanted me to take them out for dinner....i have told them i was...they had gone and got dressed and was excited about it....what was i suppose to do.

fuck it all, fuck my boring life, fuck my stupid emotional friends...i am sick of it. really sick of trying to please everyone.

Fridayitis

2007-06-21T21:24:00.000-07:00

Yes it is Friday and i am feeling blue, just not sure why, i haven't had any problems with anyone, haven't been arguing with anyone, i have actually been quite happy and chirpy, except deep down there is something wrong that i can't quite put my finger on.

I think it is because it is the weekend and again i have no plans, nothing organised, nothing.

Yes i have the kids this weekend and i have heaps of study to do, but nothing exciting....is this IT??? Is this where old age lead me to.....i don't feel old and i don't even consider 38 anywhere near old, but i am doing what old people do....NOTHING....I dont want to really do anything....well i can't think of anything to do...more to the point anything that i WANT to do.

So even though i am happy to a certain degree, i feel like my exciting life is over, that there is no one out there in this big world that wants to have fun anymore....why is that????

So i will head home tonight, buy take away as usual on Friday nights, probably grab a bottle of wine, go home sit and drink and watch DVD's or TV with the kids or play a board game of something.....it is getting soooo boring......what do other people do? Are we all sitting at home doing and thinking the same thing...that it is fucking Friday Night for god-sake and we are not partying.....what the fuck %*(^&*(%^*.

Maybe i need drugs....or something to give me a buzz....life can't be this fucking boring....can it?????

Paranoid

2007-06-18T16:41:00.000-07:00

I have paranoid issues, yep paranoid, i feel paranoid all the time about how people treat me..... if they are not friendly to me I take that personally.....i do not think about what issues they may be dealing with, i just take it personally.

I dont think there is anything wrong with doing this...it keeps me on my toes so to speak, so i am more aware of how i treat people. I jsut wish that i didn't feel so bad all the time.

Here at work for instance, ever since i decided to treat snarly face bitch the same way that she treats me...eg. i have just been buying my own coffee in the morning and coming into work...if they message me to buy one for them, then of course i do. but besides that i just buy one for myself......and guess the fuck what!!!! i feel terrible doing it. I hate buying one just for myself and not for everyone...i feel rude and i hate it. but i also feel terrible when i go out of the way for them and buy them one and they never and i mean fucking never return the favour.

so what do i do? do i continue and try to harden up and not give a shit or do i give in and buy them one...knowing that they dont give a shit about getting me one???? i am caught between and rock and a hard place.

We still have no leads or news on the Harley, we have come to the conclusion that it is gone.....we dont really have any options now except to claim insurance and start all over again in relation to buying a new one.....it sucks big time. But i suppose it will just make us more aware of security around the home etc. which isn't a bad thing. Times have changed and I guess that is just the way that we need to live these days. under lock and key. No exceptions.

MD is being terrific, and i must admit that i seem to have a little bit more respect for him ever since the guyfriend thing....he must really love me....and i mean really love me to not make a big deal out of that. He has been great.

I dont have any regrets about what happened but i know that it will never happen again. I love MD and I know that he loves me.....he is far from perfect but i guess it is as perfect as i am ever going to get.

Yes sentimental me is hanging around today...could be a complete different point of view and story tomorrow. Thats just how i am.

Devastation

2007-06-13T16:39:00.000-07:00

We are devastated.....our weekend started off great, we left on Saturday morning, everyone met at our house and we drove the 2 hours down to Yob's holiday house....the kids were straight on their motorbikes, i even had a ride on MD's new one, which is so big, that he has to catch me when i want to get off because my feet don't touch the ground...it was all fun....UNTIL

My dad rang on Sunday morning, he had been going around to feed our dogs.....MD's Harley had been stolen....yep fucking stolen from our garage on the Saturday night.

We rang police and reported it, they came around to house and checked things out, but there is no fingerprints and they had no leads....we have no idea who has done this....MD is devastated.....the kids are paranoid, hearing noises at night etc...they are scared that whoever it was is coming back.....i have to keep reassuring them that the robber will not be back.

So things are not good this week. MD is depressed and feeling sick....I am starting to get angry because the bastards have taken his pride and joy.

The fucking low life - lower then pig shit juice people that go into someone else's house and steal something that we love....they should be fucking shot.

So here's hoping that we come across it soon.......it is heartbreaking.

Oh well shit happens

2007-06-06T20:47:00.000-07:00

Work is yukky, really yukky, snarly face bitch seems to be gloomy all the time, i am just being myself and she is being quiet and fucking acting stupid....not looking me in the face and mummbling the answers when i ask her something.....the fucking stupid bitch.

I am not even bothering with her today....just being my happy self and chatting to everyone, i am even including her in my conversations but she just seems to be an unhappy sappy person.

We are heading away this weekend with JB, LB, Yob, Leo, MD, me and the kids...It should be a great weekend, we are all going to Yob's holiday house, which is set on a few acres in the middle of nowhere in particular and we are all taking down the dirt bikes, so the guys and kids will be motorbike riding nearly all weekend, me Leo and LB will probably just hang out, drink a few bottles of wine, cook some food and basically chill.....i am really looking forward to it.

We are going to collect fire wood and have a bon fire...which the kids will love.

So things are looking good for me this weekend...lets hope they stay that way.

We went out last Saturday night for dinner with JB and guyfriend turned up....MD was great...he told me later that he still didn't feel comfortable but it was ok.

Is it just me or does everyone think like this....after sleeping with someone they dont' seem to look as sexy or attractive as they once did.

I used to think the guyfriend was hot, but now he just looks quite pathetic really.....a single 30 something guy, who is desperate to settle down......but too choosy to do that.....but complains about it all the time. Yep pathetic.

I still think he is nice enough as a friend, but my perspective of him has changed....strange that!!!!

He is not coming this weekend, well i dont think he is....i hope he isn't or MD will not let me out of his sight and that will make it uncomfortable.

I just want to have a great weekend with my kids and my friends....am i asking too much?

I still hate her

2007-06-05T22:06:00.000-07:00

I hate the word hate and yet i just can't stand that snarly face bitch....she really pisses me off and i know it sounds petty being about the coffees, but there is only three of us in this office and i can't even fathom that i would buy two of those people a coffee and just not buy one for the other person...i feel that is rude and the more i think about it the more it upsets me.

Is it me? Have i done something to this bitch that makes her not like me? I now feel like i shouldn't really worry about such a trivial thing, but it has hurt my feelings and to make it worse, she is so fucking fake to my face.

It is her prerogative to buy me one or not, but now i feel even more pissed off that the boss has asked me to buy coffees for everyone on Wednesday mornings (even her), so i have to bite my fucking tongue and just buy her one each Wednesday and Friday even when she wont buy one for me when she goes on the other days......i feel like throwing the fucking coffee all over her.

Are people naturally nasty, or is in their genes, i dont think i could be rude or nasty to anyone, well not directly, so that it was noticeable....i just couldn't do that.

Maybe it is me and maybe i rub people up the wrong way, well i would prefer them to tell me that at the time, rather then wait and pay me back, which then i don't understand or remember what i have possibly done to upset them.

Fuck it all, i will just keep being the fucking nice person that i am and yet under my breathe i am killing her slowly with my fucking thoughts.

A friend of mine always says "what goes around, comes around".....well watch out snarly bitch....better start watching your back.

I am sick of this shit

2007-06-03T20:43:00.000-07:00

I am sooo sooo pissed off. I decided to grab a coffee on the way to work and rang the office to see if they wanted one too. Well snarly face bitch answers the phone and tells me that, no, they dont want one because she has already gotten coffees for herself and boss....well fucking excuse me....i at least have the decency to ring and ask everyone if they want one.

This bitch only buys one for herself and the boss and fucking leaves me out....well fuck them all. I have been shitty with her ever since and so the air here at work is very very tense. she said to me...."sorry for not buying you one, but i didn't know if you were coming in or not"....what the fuck is that about....I WORK EVERY FUCKING DAY.....and i have a mobile phone which she could have had the decency to ring and just fucking ask me.......whenever she gets to work and wants one, she never have trouble ringing me on other mornings and asking me to pick one up for her....so fuck her.

I am so over this, i dont really want to work somewhere where there is no team respect.....god this was such a good job i wish i had never recommended that snarly faced bitch......it has really come back to bite me on the arse.

I just dont understand what i have done....if i have done anything at all......i dont know if it is her way of sucking up the bosses arse or whether she is intentionally pissing me off.

Well i can play that game too and if she doesn't watch out i can make this place fucking unbearable.

Bring it fucking on snarly face bitch.

Is this fair ?

2007-05-31T20:42:00.001-07:00

I mentioned the email last night to see what he said and he lied to me. He told me that my sister had sent that email to him....i said to him NO.....Old fling girl sent it to you and he nearly fell off his seat....he just said to me.....did she????? how do you know???? and i just smiled and said "i know everything"....he just quickly changed the subject and i didn't say anything else.

I dont think i need to mention it again. He knows that i know about him and this girl being in contact and because i can not do anything about that then i am not going to stress, but if he ever says that i am not allowed to chat to a guy, as in a friend, then i am going to go balistic. One rule for him different rule for me....no fucking way!!!!!!

Tonight we are going out with an old mate of his, i haven't met this guy but apparantly md reckons that he is a great guy, so it will be interesting to see how MD acts in front of an old mate....especially one that i haven't met.....before our break up/get back together bullshit last year.....MD used to treat me like a slut in front of his friends, u know like tell them if i dont like anything he does then i can just fuck off type of comments in front of them....since we have gotten back together and i seem to have a little more power since then...he hasn't done any of that....so it will be interesting to see him in action...just to see if he disrespects me or not.

He knows that i refuse to put up with shit like that anymore and if he does try it then i will definately deck him in front of his friend and hopefully make him feel like shit....the way he has always made me feel in front of people.

One night a few years ago we went with a group of friends to a little pub in a different town, so we didn't know anyone.....a girl approached md and asked him if i was his wife and the prick told her "no, i have just been doing her for awhile"....the girl was disgusted in him and came straight up to me (a total stranger) and told me to piss him off because that is what he had said about me.

I approached MD and asked him and he laughed and just smiled and said to me..."i was only mucking around"......like fuck he was mucking around....i felt terrible. He told me to stop being stupid about it and of course i got over it and it was never mentioned again.

NOT ANY MORE.. I will not let this guy treat me like that again....and deep down i think he knows that.

I am stronger then i have ever been before....and yes LH i think it is the Lovan....lol.

Whats the go?

2007-05-30T17:11:00.000-07:00

I have been slack in the blog department. but hey, shit happens, i have had other things going on in my life and i haven't really had time to sit down and thing enough to write something worth reading.

I received an email this morning from a client, great couple who often forward funny emails to me and the other guys here at work. well i noticed that the person who had forwarded this email to the couple had also forwarded a copy to MD's email address????? It is a girl who i have always thought MD had a bit of a fling with....he denies it but always says how they are really good friends....how can a guy have a really good female friend, i dont believe in that. I think that there is always some sexual conitation to any friendship between different sexes. I am not saying that he has acted on this, but it is unrealistic to think that a guy can like a girl with him thinking that she is okay, or good enough to fuck.

He has never mentioned to me that he receives emails from this girl and he hasn't even forwarded that email on to me????? so i am just waiting to see if he does, then i will ask him who sent that to him as it is a good one.

Lets just see what he says....i am sure that he will lie to me. This is the guy who tells everyone that he has never lied in his life and is the most honest and direct person they could met......what a load of shit....this guy does lie, he just is good at covering his tracks enough that people dont question him.

Well i have had my rant today.....cheers.

PS i have been drinking again, not much, but enough to keep me happy.

One weekend coming up

2007-05-24T20:15:00.000-07:00

Okay the weekend is near and i have no plans yet again. I know i need to clean the house, it is fucking horrible, and no angel is going to fall out of the sky and do it for me.

I keep putting stuff off around the house, like the lawns, mopping the bathroom floor etc. but now it is beyond ignoring, i will have to do it. So domestic shit is on the cards for me tomorrow.

Kids will be hanging around, so i assume they will want me to do something with them. Not sure what, but thats cool, i like hanging out with them...they are fun.

MD is spending the weekend doing his stuff, so i wont see much of him. Not sure if that is a good thing or not. I am still scared that the shit will hit the fan at some stage about the guyfriend night. Just holding my breathe for that one.

He has been fantastic and i am still in shock about it all....i mean i fucked up, with another guy and he seems okay about it...????????? seems strange...but anyway i am trying not to think about it too much....too stressful.

He has even been doing the text sex messages to me today, i love that, we send really really filthy messages to each other during the day, things that we would like to do to each other...it blows him away. He loves it and i enjoy it too. So i just got a very very raunchy msg from him about my black pants that i have on today...mmmmmm makes me smile.

so i will continue to send sexy sms's to him today and hopefully things will be great again tonight and the weekend will turn out good. Well i am not going out, so i can't see how i can fuck up this weekend....but then again...i don't seem to have much trouble doing that lately.

xxx

Eerie

2007-05-21T21:50:00.001-07:00

Things are eerie around the house, MD is being fucking fantastic considering the situation he found me in on Friday night.....it makes me uncomfortable. I keep waiting for the explosion to happen.

I know that i kissed guyfriend outside the pub before we got in the taxi, i just dont know whether anyone saw me, so i am hoping beyond hope that no one mentions it to MD. Every time the phone rings and it is MD, i expect him to go off his face at me...that he has heard something else, or that he knows that me and guyfriend were getting it on.....oh i am so stressed about this....i wish he would just come out and fucking go ballistic, like he normally does. It is so strange.

For the last few months, when i have fucked up he hasn't done that, he hasnt gone ballistic and blew me apart, i think he is scared that i will fuck him off. For years and years he was able to go off at me for nothing, accuse me of everything, treat me like shit and i constantly put up with it, i always begged for forgiveness.

Since i split with him last year and i actually told him to fuck off and i even had to threaten him with a restraining order if he didn't leave me alone, he has been different ever since we got back together. I think i have scared him. Maybe after all these years he has realised that i will and can fuck him off and i will not fall apart and be a mess. I think this is the reason for it anyway.

He is being so good to me, i dont even know if i deserve him being so nice to me. I know that he has doubts about me and guyfriend and that he is pretty sure that we were doing something, but he is not threatening me......strange.

He should be accusing me and call me names and threatening to walk out on me, BUT HE ISN'T........he is being fucking nice to me....what the fuck is going on in his mind?????

So i am on my best behaviour again for awhile...no more sexy lingering kisses with strange men, no more getting drunk, just me being boring for awhile....i think MD deserves that from me....at least for awhile.

I did it again

2007-05-20T22:39:00.000-07:00

I fucked up AGAIN.....i went out on Friday night, met up with a group of friends, MD was feeling shit so he went off home, i stayed out with everyone drinking....ended up drinking way too much and went home with a guy friend.

Well this guy friend (besides being very very sexy) is a great friend, we have been friends for years and even though there has always been a bit of sexual tension between us, we have never acted on it. He admits that he should have grabbed me when he had the chance, which was prior to MD coming into my life, but he missed out.

Well ended up with just me and guyfriend at the bar and we were talking shit basically, he has just recently split from his girlfriend, so most of the conversation was directed to that.

Not sure exactly what happened but ended up in Taxi at his house, still chatting etc etc etc...(you get the drift!!!!!!!)

next minute MD was banging on the front door, fucking yelling out for us to open the door etc, he smashed the pane of glass besides the front door and actually climbed through, with me and guyfriend just standing there in shock.

So I went home with Md, with him accusing me all the way home of fucking up....i refused to answer him and i have just left it at that.

He has been great all weekend, i think he believes that nothing happened between me and guyfriend and hopefully that is the end of that fucking matter.

I am just so disappointed in myself for putting myself in that predicament. I fuck up so bad when i am pissed and i often don't think of the consequences.

I just hope that MD can really get over this, i know that he doesn't trust me already, so after this he may never let me out of his sight again. Which i must admit i deserve. I do love MD, and i do know that he loves to me, but why do i keep fucking up this relationship???

Down again

2007-05-17T20:05:00.000-07:00

I am up and down like a fucking yoyo.....feeling good yesterday and yet today i feel down for no real reason, just because i fucking can!!!!!

I feel tense and on edge, maybe because it is the weekend and i have no plans. yet again - besides study.

I was thinking at lunch today, that i really don't hear from anyone anymore. I use to get asked out all the time, my friends were in constant contact, but recently they seem to have vanished. I dont understand.....is it because we have all become old and homely. We dont do much anymore except work and stay home.

Maybe i need to find a new group of friends, ones that enjoy themselves and make fucking plans to get out and about.

I can understand Kat not wanting to catch up much, she is back into the smoking dope thing, so she veges at home off her face most weekends, she is fucking a married man and has him on speed dial, so she is stoned and gets laid whenever she wants...she is in heaven apparantly.

Hippy girl and Prince are off to the city this weekend to visit relo's. I haven't heard from Rach in months, MJ is working all weekend, as usual.

I guess i will just have to hang out with MD and his mates again this weekend, JB & LB are great people and i do enjoy myself, but i am sick of the same ol' same ol'

I want fun and adventure and new people and fucking something different.

Yes, Im grumpy and hard to please

All okay again

2007-05-16T20:55:00.000-07:00

Things are good, had Hippy Girl over for dinner last night and we polished off a couple of bottles of red, i know that i was trying not to drink, but I had cooked an italian dish and thought that red wine was appropriate.

It was fun and nice to catch up to her, she is very wise and i appreciate the conversations we have.

I have no plans this weekend besides study. I might venture down to the bar for a look at Tat man,,ooooo he is so hot. but depends on my mood and whether i can get the assignment done, which is due by end of month.

It is my final assignment for this subject and i am hoping that i can do it without any problems and pass this subject, then onto the next two subjects.phew....i hope this fucking university degree is worth all this fucking study.

Up and down

2007-05-14T22:49:00.000-07:00

It happened again, i didn't say anything to him last night and he just came home and carried on as if nothing had happened between us. It is the same fucking thing time and time again. We dont discuss out arguments and i guess they just build up until we explode next time.

We had sex this morning, so i suppose that doesnt help my cause much. He probably thinks that i am okay now????? Men !!!!!
If i wasn't horny i wouldn't have done it, and it does not mean that i am forgiving him for what he has done, i just wanted to get laid. It certainly does not mean that he is off the hook for disrespecting me or making me feel bad.

I am so sick of him putting me down, especially in front of people. It pisses me off. When i do confront him, he turns it back on me and says that i have got issues etc blah blah blah

It is a lose lose situation, a typical textbook case of relationship with communication, committment and trust problems. And that is just how it is today !!!!!!

Shitty Weekend

2007-05-13T16:33:00.000-07:00

I have had a shitty weekend, went down the bar on Friday arvo after LB rang to say she was down there, so i called in just for a couple with her, I had Shan with me and Tat was sitting in the bar.

I felt very nervous, but he just said hello sweetie and i just said hi back. I then borrowed a cigarette off him and that was about it. just sat with LB and chatted. I was leaving and i just yelled out cya to Cubb (who was working behind bar) and Tat yelled out to me "we are having a few drinks here tomorrow night for the Anniversary of the Bar, come down" so i said i would and left.

So Saturday night we actually had to go down for Princes birthday, which Hippy Girl just happened to book a room at the bar for drinks and nibblies. Tat was in the bar and again he asked how i was going. I said great and i told him i was feeling a little embarrased, he just looked at me and said not to be embarrased that we had done nothing wrong - but he was finding it hard because MD kept making conversation with him. I think he felt a little guilty.

I went home about 9.30 alone, as MD wanted to stay and drink and i was driving (again no drinking...pat on back for me), and KC was at home alone.

MD got home about 1 oclock, pissed as a fart, spewed in toilet and then came to bed....when he got in bed he asked me if i had ever flashed my tits at the guys behind the bar....and i said NO WAY. Why areyou asking me that....and he just said are you sure????? What the Fuck !!!!

Of course i have never done that, i have way too much class for that kind of behaviour and i would never and have never flashed my tits at anyone. So the next morning i told him i was a little offended with him asking me that and i asked if he thought i would really do something like that....he just said that i was taking it the wrong way, that he just asked me a question....?????? this guys a fucken idiot.

So as i walked out of the room (feeling like he thinks i am trash), i just said "fuck you MD".

Well guess the fuck what happened yesterday and this morning....he is shitty with me for say "fuck you".....DUH...... he is not talking to me.
I am so fucking sick of this guy insulting me and then getting shitty with me when i say something about it.....like i have insulted him now for saying "fuck you".......

I am so sick of arguing with this guy, he puts me down to people all the time, he insults me and insinuates to his family that i am slutting around on him. They all hate me.

If I say anything, then he gets shitty with me....what the fuck is that about.....i don't know if i am loosing it...i really don't know anymore. Maybe i need to go see someone. Just so they can confirm either way whether i am fucking nuts or whether i am thinking logically.

I normally apologise to MD when he behaves like this, just to stop the arguement....but fuck him this time...if he can't apologise for insulting me then why the fuck should i apologise for telling him "fuck you"......i am going to be stubborn this time and i dont give a fuck how long he doesn't talk to me for. Maybe he will get sick of it and move the fuck out of my life for good.

I am so over feeling like scum......he makes me feel trashy and yet he is suppose to love me....i dont understand.

Fridayitis

2007-05-10T21:24:00.000-07:00

It is Friday and i am feeling tense, shitty, whatever.

MD has pissed me off again, nothing big, just him being him. snarly face bitch has pissed me off again here in the office too, so i am having a bad day.

It worries me that it is Friday and i usually drink on Friday night, i am feeling pissed off and i am going to have to really try not to get stuck into it tonight when i am home alone, which i know i will be because MD will be off to MT pub, as he always does.

I have the kids this weekend, so i am preparing myself to just watch DVD's and veg out, WITHOUT alcohol,,,how boring with that be.....i am already think to myself that maybe i could just grab a bottle of scotch and have a few quiet ones on my own and no one would need to know......that is cheating isn't it???

well fuck it, i think i will do just that....just a couple, not many....and i have been good for a whole fucking lifetime week. well that is what it felt like.

I am broke too, so that is pissing me off big time...i think i have about $20 in my account to last till next wednesday and i will have to use the fucking credit card for any purchases i make, plus my car is on fucking empty.....YES I AM PISSED OFF TODAY.

Pat on back

2007-05-08T21:22:00.000-07:00

I am still feeling great. I haven't had a drink in 5 days....well should i consider Kalua and milk as a drink, it was only one small glass.....well i am not going to include that.....because i will probably drink those if i should ever go out and i am sure that you would need to drink a fucking bucket full just to get a small buzz.

So i am still considering myself sober.

MD has been feeling a little off colour lately..can't sleep. He keeps asking me to go to the doctors and get him some sleeping tablets, because his doctor refuses to give them to him.....i haven't been yet as i dont think that he really needs them...he is getting dependant on them....god im a bitch.

Had lunch with the girls today, just the girls...and it was so nice, Worker girl and Hippy Girl both are great chicks and we get along so well, Hippy Girl mentioned that it was Princes birthday, who is her boyfriend on Saturday so she is going to call and let me know details of what we will do to celebrate it with him. That will be fun.

So besides being sober, working hard, studying hard and being a mum, life is pretty much the same.

light flash

2007-05-07T16:01:00.000-07:00

i have finally seen the light.....i met a guy on Friday night who admitted to me that he is an alcoholic and he attends meetings and hasnt had a drink in 18 months....wow....i was amazed.

I think this is a sign....i had been drinking heavily all night, had argued with MD (who had walked off and left me), and i was feeling pretty shitty with myself for 1. being so pissed off my face,
2. being drunker then everyone i was out with
3. fighting with MD (i was a nasty piece of work).

so i discussed with him how i thought i had a drinking problem and he shared with me his tale of being an alcoholic....i couldn't believe that i met someone, right at the time that i was feeling so disgusted in myself.

So i woke up Saturday morning with a whole new outlook....no more alcohol.....i even went out Saturday night with friends and drove...so i didn't drink....i was amazed at how much fun i had sober.

I feel really strongly about this, i am sure that i can do this, i feel like a light has gone off in my head and i am in control...i do not need to be drunk to enjoy myself.

I haven't been to the gym yet, i am going tonight at 5 oclock, so i am hoping that i can trade one addiction for another - i can't see it happening...but it is a thought.

so here is to the new sober me, who goes to the gym... cheers.

i have weight issues

2007-05-01T22:25:00.000-07:00

I think i have just about whinged about everything in this blog except my issues with weight. Well here goes.

I am fat.

I feel fat, look fat and cant even remember when i felt skinny. I know i am about 10kg's overweight and it drives me nuts. It consumes me, my every waking hour i think about my weight.

I look at every girl i see and compare my body to theirs. Is this normal? Do other girls do this? I wonder !!!!

I have always been small, always been about 45 kg, up until i turned 30. since then i have just put on so much weight. I have tried about every diet known to man and i just can't stick them out.

I also have a drinking problem (well i dont consider it a drinking problem - only my "little angel conscious" does). I drink way to much alcohol. Everyday i have some kind of alcoholic drink, i get drunk, or should i say i consume way too much every weekend. I know this is why i cant lose weight but i can't give that up either.

Today i done the unbelieveable thing of booking back into the gym. so off i go on Friday and start.

It is just that i know i am going to feel like a beer or something when i get home from work...i always do. So i am going to have to exercise extra to compensate for my alcohol consumption. That sucks.

All is okay

2007-04-30T19:40:00.000-07:00

Well we had an argument on Friday night when he finally arrived home. I just basically told him that if he had jealousy issues that he should get some help.

I told him i was sick of fighting with him and that if we were going to keep fighting then there was no point to our relationship. He backed down.

I walked outside and was sitting have a smoke, he came and sat beside me and told me that he did trust me, that he didn't want to keep fighting with me and that he loved me and was not interested in anyone else. He asked me to delete all contact with HM, which i told him i would do - and i have done that.

So since then he has been a dream again. He is sweet, helping around the house, just generally be fantastic......so why am i still thinking of Tat.?????

I just cant stop.....i know it is wrong, i know that i shouldn't even have him on my mind and that MD is my man and I think about him too, but i feel excited when i think of Tat.

I know nothing will become of me and Tat, we may never even kiss again, but I keep fantasizing about him....mmmm... he is so hot.

I love and adore MD, we have fantastic sex and he really turns me on, so i dont understand why i would be thinking of Tat, who is probably hopeless in bed and has a small dick !!!!!! lol

I dont know why? I suppose it is not hurting anyone - me thinking of him - and i am not acting on the impulses that i feel - and no one needs to know (shhh LH). So stuff it, i will keep fantasizing my little fucking heart out.

If i happen to bump into him this weekend (oh god i hope i do), i will just smile and never let him know that i have been dreaming about him day and night.....

It will be my little secret

OMG

2007-04-26T20:11:00.000-07:00

Well i accidently fucked up....well that is my life summed up, actually.

I forwarded an email onto everyone in my address book and forgot to delete HM's email address, so of course MD has rang and asked if i am still speaking to or in contact with HM and that he was going to go and get on the pc and chat up some girls. That if i could do it so could he.

So i said - ok, do what you want.....but now i regret saying that because he will follow through...he is the type of guy that chats up women and can't help but sleep with them...that is just the kind of guy that he is.

He will now be meeting girls in the city, because he will use my email as an excuse to do so.

Ok, this is just another notch in the road towards break up....it is inevitable. we just can't seem to get things right. just when things are going okay...he has this jealousy thing.....i dont understand how he can be so mad at me about this, when he has done nothing but chat up girls, talk to them on the phone, spend time with them at lunch, take them out for coffee etc and yet i am accused of being the one that is fucking up this relationship because i emailed a guy a fucking joke......i dont understand.

so i guess it is just a matter of time. i am so sick of trying, relationships shouldn't be this hard...why is he so "onto" me, all the fucking time.

He makes sure he knows where i am 24/7. He questions me consistantly about who i have spoken to what they have said etc, when i try to get a little time back for me and i actually speak to someone, or fucking email them, he goes ballistic.

I just want to have what he has always had....fucking freedom.

It just aint going to happen.

Happy pills

2007-04-25T19:44:00.000-07:00

I went back to doctors last week and got another script for my happy pills, i hadn't had a chance to fill the script till today and boy do i need them.

I have been feeling shitty all day, snarly bitch has pissed me right off and I feel like i am going to explode.

We have trouble with drug dealing neighbours who live across the road and I talk about it at work, just the usual, it is no big deal to me, but i often laugh about the traffic pulling into our street etc. Today she mentioned to me, that she heard the I live in the scummiest street in town....what the fuck.....i dont need to hear that.....i also know that it isn't true, so i dont know why she would say it.....probably just to make me feel bad....well i hope that one day a drug dealer moves in across the road or preferably next door to her....fuck her.

I can't choose who my neighbours are and snarly face's partner is a cop and if he was doing his job properly then i wouldn't be living in the "scummiest street",....would I?

so that is how i started off my day...feeling pissed off towards her. I dont understand people who say things just for the sake of hurting someone's feelings. Those people piss me right off....no wonder I need medication, working with that snarly bitch.

I have also been thinking about Tat, i am feeling guilty, not so much about the kissy thing, but because i am worried that the "other guys at the bar" know that we kissed, and i really dont/didn't want them to know...I dont want them thinking that i would do that to one of "us". We are a good group of friends and I dont want to be upsetting any of them....we have all had the great flirty friendships in the past and that is why we all get along so well....I just hope i haven't stuffed it all up.

I hope they dont think any less of me for kissing their "married" mate.

I dont regret kissing him, i am actually looking forward to the next time we get the chance to do it again....oh i am so naughty . my friend "slutty jen" would be very impressed with that statement.

"Slutty jen" is a slut, a fantastic girl, who i love immensely, but wow does she fuck around. Men, Women, both (she does prefer women though)...whatever, she is up for it.....i admire her in some ways because she is so free.

So if i ever get the chance I am definately going to take it, i love a good kisser and this guy rocks my socks. He is definately fuckable material, even if i never get that far. I am have even been worried that he is feeling a little guilty, i hope not.

I have decided to NOT venture down to bar for awhile, (probably a few weeks), just to let things cool down in case they all know about the kiss thing, hopefully by then it will be cool and i can get drunk, flirt with the boys and enjoy my time there again, without feeling a little slutty - not that slutty is bad !!!!!

Strange feelings

2007-04-23T18:10:00.000-07:00

I feel strange, well i always feel strange, but since having the big tonguey with Tat i feel very wierd. We are just friends and yet i cant stop thinking about him. I think it is just the thought of what could have happened, but i just cant get him off my mind.

I am physically attracted to this guy, but that is it....it would never be anything else, maybe that is why i am thinking of him.

I adore MD in a deep soul kinda way, i know that MD is a fucking pain in the arse and sometimes he treats me like a piece of shit, but he is my man.... and even as bad as our relationship gets, i would never split with him for someone else.....no one could compare to the love that i have for MD. I just can't figure out why i am thinking of this guy? It is so bizarre.

I wonder when i will see him next, whether i will bump into him somewhere.....but then i dont really want to do that.....we are both in relationships....so what is the point.

Does this mean that i have cheated and i am going through a guilt thingo?????? It was just a fantastic absolutely hot as fucking hot KISS. No big deal, right ????

Great Time

2007-04-22T21:21:00.000-07:00

I had a great time on the weekend, a really great time.

Spent Friday night doing some counselling to a guy friend that had split from his girlfriend, he was devastated, so we sat at the MT bar and just talked and drank. He felt a little better by the time we left, so i felt good that i was able to help him through that. I basically just told him to pull himself together, to stop feeling sorry for himself and get a grip. Sometimes it is just easier to be tough with someone, who is going through that kind of thing then keep giving them too much sympathy, which i do have for him. But it was horrible watching this guy go over and over what he thought he must have done wrong in the relationship, when in fact he hadn't done anything wrong....she just moved on.

Spent Saturday doing my study, phew so glad i got most of that out of the way and then Saturday night, when out with LB, just to club, lost and won some money on pokies....ended up at SH bar to catch up with "the guys from the bar", i had a blast. they are a great group of guys and wow do they know how to part-a !!! lots of laughs and drinking.

Had fun with Tat there who is just sooooo cute. He was funny and he actually kissed me at the end of the night. It was a "fantastic" kiss....this guy sent tingles up and down my spine....one of those go fuking weak at the knees type of kiss. But we are just friends and we were drunk, so i dont think that really counts as cheating...does it? I feel a little bad about it as he is married and im with MD, but then it was only a "kiss". oh well i dont really give a shit. i had fun, Tat had fun and as far as i am concerned that is the end of the matter.....i can't see anything wrong in a drunken kiss.

MD is going great, he is being so nice. He went to city with JB and they ended up at a strip club till 5.30am, so can only assume that he may have even done a little drunk'n kissin too......i dont really care.

I honestly think that it is just too fucking hard to stay monogamous. Well not hard, but when your drunk and some cute guy is being cheeky and well you know how it is....those kisses just seem to happen.

so all in all, had a really fun weekend.

Im Bored

2007-04-19T20:29:00.000-07:00

Im bored, really bored and the weekend hasn't even started. I just know it is going to be a bad weekend. I can feel it in my bones.

MD is going away with the boys AGAIN for a bike ride and the kids will be with their dad for the weekend, so i am alone.

My friend FM is going away for a few days on holiday and my other friends all seem to be working or heading out of town....so i dont have anyone to play with.

I dont know what to do with myself. I have heaps of study that I need to get done, which i am planning to do this weekend, but it shouldn't take all weekend and besides that I have NOTHING.

What do other people do in this situation?

So I am thinking of getting a good book at the bookshop, a couple of DVD's (chick flicks), grabbing a bottle of Johnny Walker and staying home....can't think of anything else to do.

The only problem with this scenario is that once i start getting drunk and i am alone, i tend to SMS people stupid "I love you messages"(yes i am a soppy drunk) and the "You are my bestest friend" bullshit....which i really regret the next day. So i will just turn my phone off and DONT TOUCH THE THING.

I could always go down pub and catch up with the guys at the bar....but that doesn't even sound inviting....maybe i need some time along....i just know i am bored already.

I am 38 years old, i have been home looking after my kids for the last 12 years and i finally have some time where i can do whatever i want and i dont know what to fucking do !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IM BORED