Kids are born to kill us mentally

OMG if i had of known how hard parenting would be - i dont think i would have done it. My son KC is adorable and i absolutely love the ground he walks on. I also hate to admit that I am the typical mother who doesn't see the bad im my children. Well i see it but i can also make excuses for that behaviour. I know they are great kids and I know that they have hearts of gold and they wouldn't intentionally hurt anyone or anything.

Except last night i lost it with KC, he came home late and then demanded that i should buy him something. wtf. like he deserves it !!!!!! He had the worst attitude and I had just finished cooking dinner and he was so rude to me that i opened up the front door and toldhim to fuck off. To get out of the house. He left and i closed the front door. then i felt terrible, what kind of mother am I, I shouldn't have done that.

I rang him about 10 minutes later and he was just down the corner and he said he was on his way home, so he came back and then we talked, he apologised and I did too. He said that he did have an attitude and he was tired after school and blah blah blah, I spoke to him again this morning and told him that there is no excuse for speaking to me that way and i dont want to hear that attitude again. He said ok.

I then took Shan for a walk down river, it was a good walk, fresh air and walking in the bush. I should do it more often.

I have also come to the conclusion that i have alienated my friends, i guess i will be a loner for awhile until I find some different people. I dont blame my friends, i should never had spoken to MD ever again and yes he is a pig that has treated me like shit and will do it again, but it is an addiction for me.

Since me and MD split in NOvember I have spent so many nights and weekends alone, no phone calls, no one visiting me, he is the only one that does that. I guess after a few weeks of not hearing from people i start to crave attention and when he rings I cant help but feel happy.

So i like him ringing me, i like that attention that he gives me.

If i gave that up I would be totally alone, totally. Is that better then being in a mentally abusive relationship? I am so fucked up.

I spoke to a friend the other night who is a real loner, she enjoys being alone and doesn't have a problem with that. I need to learn who I am ALONE.

The sad thing is that even if i stop communicating with MD, my friends will not come back, i have hurt them by talking to him and they dont trust me, nor do they give a fuck about me anymore. I have drained them.

It is my own fault and I knew that i would eventually push them away, i tend to do that to people...why am i so fucking stupid